The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

2005 TUMA Award!

Time Magazine has its Person of the Year once again, and this year it turned out to be three people; Bill and Melinda Gates, and Bono (aka: Paul Hewson).

These fine folks were elected because of their charitable work, and good on them. Deservingly so. You may not like Bono (I have my moments), but he brings attention to world hunger. You may think Bill Gates basically plays Monopoly with the Earth, but you can’t argue with a charity that has a 29 billion endowment and gives money away to good causes faster then any other in history. They have saved, according to statistics, over 700,000 lives by investing in vaccination programs – take that Bill Maher, you anti-vac PETA freak.

But now, we move on to the real award of the year. The TUMA. That’s right, the 2005 Thumb Up My Ass Award.

We have several candidates, so let’s get right into it.

  1. George W. Bush – The schmoe who fucked up the Hurricane Katrina rescue, told Brownie he was doing a “heckuva job”, didn’t do too much about Cheney’s Scooter in the CIA leak, said that alleged money launderer and former House majority leaderTom DeLay wasn’t guilty before his trial, and most recently, said evesdropping on citizens without a warrant was ok by him. How did this guy get elected twice…? Well, he didn’t. I guess that’s the point.
  2. Tom Cruise (Ph.D, Ob.Gyn. wannabe) – 2005 will go down as the year Tom Cruise lost his goddamn mind…or perhaps the year we became aware of the fact that he just had really good handlers in the past. His on-air tiff with Matt Lauer about Cruise’s “knowledge” of the history of psychiatry, his beef with Brooke Shields about his “knowledge” of post-partum anti-depressants, and his purchase of an ultrasound machine so he can test its negative effects on fetuses all point to one thing – a career turn that will one day put him on par with fellow alien lover, Jenna Elfman.
  3. Stanley Tookie Williams – Dead murderer who garnered much celebrity attention this year due to his killing of four people and his subsequent execution. He co-started the Crips gang in L.A., which now kills people and deals drugs all over the country, found religion after getting caught like every other criminal, wrote some anti-gang kids books, and generally liked being a big-shot. He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, much like his peers Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Benito Mussolini; and much like them, he is now also a dead asshole. Great, now I have to hate Jamie Foxx for defending a scumbag murderer….
  4. Creationists – With the legal challenges, the textbook changes, and the denial of so much evidence it could choke a hippo, these backward folks made a bit of a name for themselves this year with their force-feeding of so called “intelligent” design. Never mind that evolution is the most scientifically supported idea in history, let’s make the US officially the most scientifically backward country on Earth. To them, we are the centre of the universe, the planet is 4000 years old, and God intervenes with Monday Night Football. Praise Jebus and pass the corn chips, we got ourselves a churchin’ country! At least federal judge John E. Jones stood up to them and said, I’m paraphrasing, “Contrary to popular opinion, I am the HHIC, and there shall be no churchin’ in science classes!” As the street kids say, “word to your mother.”
  5. Bill O’Reilly – The most offensive, lame-ass television “personality” of the year (and I say personality because he is certainly not a journalist). Bill made much of a nonexistent “war on Christmas”, has spouted more untruths than Jon Lovitz on SNL, and said that terrorists could blow up Coit Tower if they wanted. He’s a crappy writer (his book, Those Who Trespass, got how many one star reviews on Amazon?); a liar (The “Paris Business Review”, Bill?); and, he tried to publish an “enemies list” of websites that were, in his words, “anti-military.” Mr. O’Reilly, you get to kiss the rosebud, my friend.
  6. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – What do you expect from a guy who leads a country where renouncing religious faith gets you a death sentence? Well, you expect him to be a religious fanatic with such a skewed world-view that he will most likely start WWIII. This “elected” official with the soft spot on his head said that the Holocaust is a myth and that Israel should be wiped off the map. The irony of a man saying that all Jews should die while in the same breath saying that mass killing of that same group never happened, in the face of a Mt. Everest of evidence, makes him a 24 karat asshole.
  7. Oprah Winfrey – She is on my list because she ruined a great movie for me. For playing the pathetic race card after not being allowed into a Hermes store as they were closing, calling it her “Crash” moment, she drops credibility no matter how many iPods she gives away. Stop trying to be “of the people”, Ms. Winfrey; you’re not. And don’t be such a pussy about being turned away from a scarf store – they wouldn’t have let me in either, so blow racism out the hole in your back. Man, Crash was a good goddamn movie too….

…and lastly….

  1. Star Jones – This somewhat rotund daytime hack of a personality said that she was “thankful” that God spared her from death in the Asian tsunami. For showing the arrogance only a woman of her former size could muster, plus just being annoying 24/7, she gets on my list. I wish she got swept away in those giant waves – her “missing” picture would take up three of the four sides of a milk carton. You’d have to cut along the edges and unfurl her picture like some twisted, Playboy centerfold from Hell. Don’t nobody need to see that.

Those are my nominees; I’m sure I’ve left off many people that others would have included (I’m thinking Paris Hilton, Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson, Britany and Kevin-Bob, and so many others), but I have my reasons. I also know who I’d pick to win the not-so-coveted TUMA, but I want to hear who you think should win. I’ll reveal my winner on the 30th of December, my birthday.

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