The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Christian War on Mithra

The Roman/Iranian/Hindu god Mithra was quoted today as saying he’s, “pissed like a mofo” at Christians who have, “stolen his birthday to worship that fag, Jesus.”

He was in an obviously sore mood today as the press conference questions and flash bulbs wore on his nerves. After riding up to the front gates of the Pontiac Silverdome, he parked his chariot and entered to not a small amount of pre-planned fanfare. All the preparations did little to quash his foul temper, however. He picked out this recent quote from the Rev. Jerry Falwell as being particularly egregious: “…as long as we don't try to pretend we're not a nation under God.”

“Well I’m a god, Jerry. Did you think of that?” Mithra quipped. “No, of course you didn’t, you self-centered, arrogant prick.” He also took aim at a quote by a spokesperson from the Catholic League who said, "(N)inety-six percent of Americans celebrate Christmas, spare me the diversity lecture."

“First of all, ninety-six percent is not correct, Rainman. Get your stats right, then take your thumb out of your ass, then come and talk to me. The latest numbers that have come my way say that 76.5% of Americans are Christians. That’s from 2000.

“Oh, and your boy Jesus wasn’t born on the 25th of December; I was. That copycat loser asshole was born in Autumn – don’t any of those dipshits read their bibles?” Mithra then took a sip of water and shook his head. “I was born of a virgin, I had twelve followers, and I did the miracles. That no-talent fuckface Jesus couldn’t make a slice of toast taste good if he had a knife and some Smucker’s strawberry.

“They want a War on Christmas? I’ll give them a War on Christmas….” With those words he stood up and, to a rousing version of Queen’s We Are The Champions, left the building for his prior engagement of slaying a bull for a crowd outside Detroit. No news on what Mithra was planning for his “war” or what the significance was of the Queen song.

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