The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Fuck Tucker Carlson - Again

Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson (yes, the frozen-dinner Swansons) has once again proven that he has no integrity and has no business of any type on a journalistic stage.

Carlson recently criticized Canada and its citizens after Prime Minister Paul Martin said the following, apparently vicious, comment regarding the United States and its refusal to sign the Kyoto Protocol: “It may be smart election-year politics to thump your chest and constantly criticize your friend and your number one trading partner…But it is a slippery slope and all of us should hope that it doesn't have a long-term impact on the relationship.”

Wow, that must sting. Biting commentary from a place that does, as Carlson said last year, "a lot of dog sledding." Tucker must cry like a baby when someone calls him a fag. Jebus, I mean, if the above...I suppose he'd call it an "insult", is the worst you get from a friendly nation, I'd consider that a healthy relationship.

I can't stand the superiority complex from this fucking guy. He goes to school (Trinity College) and, in his words, "(A)fter four years, I had met a lot of interesting people, gone to a couple of classes and restored a motorcycle, and that was it." So he's a dropout. Hm...I wonder how he got on television to begin with? Maybe because of his daddy who was the President and CEO of The Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Funny how when you have shitty credentials, nepotism can step in and fill the gap, eh? Oh, sorry, "eh" is a little too Canadian for Tucker.

We, of course, should be used to shit being pinched out of his mouth because last year ('04) he said the following:

“Without the U.S., Canada is essentially Honduras, but colder and much less interesting”, and that instead of following politics, "the average Canadian is busy dog sledding."

Also, “(C)anada's essentially -- essentially a made-in-Taiwan version of the United States.”

And, “I noticed that most sort of vigorous, ambitious Canadians, at least almost all comedians in Canada, come to the United States in the end. Doesn't that tell you something about the sort of limpid, flaccid nature of Canadian society."

But on the Dec. 15 edition of Carlson's new show, he said the following about Canada:

“Canada is essentially a stalker, stalking the United States, right? Canada has little pictures of us in its bedroom, right?…We, meanwhile, don't even know Canada's name. We pay no attention at all...Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice, but you don't take him seriously.”

Why do we let him get off easily from these comments? No one calls him on his publicity-craving antics. He needs to say things like this to stay in the spotlight because his "journalism" certainly isn't going to do it. Nor are his fashion, his looks, or his wannabe bad-boy image. He’s just a pansy in a bow tie.

I could go off on a Canada rant here. I could post the "I Am Canadian" speech from the stupid beer commercial, and quote all the patriotic bullshit that will make your eyes water. I am not going to do that. I will quote Gene Simmons who said, while scolding Much Music's Nardwuar (who is almost as annoying as Carlson) about Canadian insecurity: "You should be proud of this country, you've got a lot of land, great looking girls, it's everything to be proud of."

Simmons didn't use trade statistics, however. Last year ('04), there was almost 256 billion dollars going from Canada to the U.S. I'll pause here for you to re-read that last statement.... To put that in perspective, the United States' war in Iraq has cost just over 227 billion so far. That's less than a year's worth of goods from us to you. Canada provides many things, my friend, least of which are our quality silks stolen from jockeys, which we use for bow ties.

To summarize: Tucker hears a couple of comments from our politicians, and he gets his panties in a bunch. I can see Ann Coulter getting her panties in a bunch, but I think she might actually wear briefs made of thorns (we are lucky that the U.S. allows us to exist in North America, after all). He then blows off some rhetoric about us being the retard at the Thanksgiving table.

Well, we are not the helmeted ones smearing gravy on our hands, Fucker. We are not wasting time reporting on some ludicrous “war on Christmas”, we are not trying to put religion into our science classes or burying our heads in the face of a pile of scientific evidence bigger than Star Jones' asscheeks, and we are not insulting the United States. Were we to go that route, you would know it without question. We get good at insulting during all that free time we have not shooting each other.

Oh, and the comics that go South are smart enough to know that dick and fart jokes will get them money there. Lowest common denominator humour and all that. Sorry, “humor” – I know you have trouble with that spelling.

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