The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Know Yer Gods - Thor

He’s the son of Odin and Jord with the red beard and single-digit IQ. He’s a chariot-driving freak who makes thunder by throwing his hammer named Mjolnir (you have to add some dot-type accents to that name to make it correct). Now, Donar was the original thunder god who gave the symbol of thunder to Thor – in the form of a swastika (those wacky Norsemen).

Thor married Sif and had a daughter named Thrud (unfortunate, but when you’re the daughter of the Thunder God, you take what you get). He also had an affair with Jarnsaxa with whom he had two sons: Modi, the god of battle and going berserk (how cool is THAT?!); and Magni, the god of strength who was stronger than his dad. I’m sure both were emotionally crippled by an overbearing inferiority complex and trouble with women. They frequented the brothels controlled by Labia, the goddess of sexually transmitted diseases.

Sif had golden hair and governed over the harvest. Loki, that prankster god, snuck in one quiet August night* and cut her hair off while she slept. Fortunately, there were good dwarf wig-makers who used gold as substitute locks. Thor was well-off and didn’t need to be concerned about the costs, but sadly, gold is cancerous to gods and Sif developed a doozy of a brain tumor.

Thrud was going to marry a dwarf (apparently the Norse have a thing for dwarves), but Thor didn’t like him so a ruse was concocted to make the tiny man stay up all night. Once the sun hit him, he turned to stone (try it with a dwarf of your own, Mr. Science!). After the murder, she then became one of the Valkyries, taking dead warriors to Valhalla to drink and bone all night. Man, chicks are all the same….

And now you know the basics of Thor!

*no one is sure if it was actually an August night, or if it was particularly quiet.

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