The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Poker Tourney

Here's something you don't know about me: I suck at poker. I suck huge at poker. It's not that I play like a retarded monkey, but I'm sure if I was at a table of retarded monkeys, I probably wouldn't win. I am one of the million other band-wagon-jumpers that picked up the recent trend of Texas Hold 'Em.

Let's just put it this way - math and statistics elude me. If I'm playing at home on the computer against a bunch of CPU dorks (as opposed to me, the human dork, sitting alone on a Friday night playing poker with no one), I can take my time and try to calculate the odds of my getting the card(s) I need and the pot odds and stuff. If I'm sitting at a table of living, breathing poker players, I'm not confident enough yet to calculate those odds on the fly, so I start to play like someone just gave me my ninth concussion of the afternoon.

I think the internet age of gaming is making me less social. I played in a tournament yesterday and since I live with my wife and I work with all women, I was looking forward to the day as some much-needed testosterone time. A $50 buy-in got you a shot at a thousand dollar first prize. Now, I had the delusion that out of a hundred players, I would make it to the final table. One hour later, I was the first person out at my table. I was in the "loser's lounge" thinking that the name of the room was a metaphor for my entire life. Had I a tail, it would have been tucked between my legs.

As more of the players got eliminated, we started another game in the "LL". We consoled ourselves by saying things like, "Usually it's the people who know how to play who are out early in these tournaments", and, "You can't bluff people who don't know how to play." These are just different ways of saying, "My dick is still as large as it was before I came to this place."

The truth is that even if you know all the rules of poker, you'll only win if you play a lot. And by "win", I mean you'll come out a couple bucks ahead after hundreds of hands played. That fact finally realized by my oatmeal-like brain, I shall be taking up rug-hooking. Not a bit of pressure-math involved in that. Now you all know what you'll be getting for Christmas/Passover/Kwanzaa/Solstice/New Year/My Birthday. A crappy rug hooked by a small-dicked retarded monkey.

1 Barbaric Yawps:

At 4/12/05 10:31 pm, Blogger Oreos said...

with that kind of admission, i know a lot of guys who'll want to play with you, haha.

thanks for dropping in :)


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