The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Coffee with Angela

I just had coffee (cappuccino, to be technial) with my friend Angela, an old friend from Massage Therapy school. It's nice to reconnect with people from my hometown while I'm here for an end-of-year vacation. She's one of those people who draws out the best in me with respect to presenting my skeptical side.

Ang is a spiritual person in that she doesn't seem to buy into any specific religion, but she enjoys the philosophy of Buddhism, Wiccan theory, and just pondering the possibilities of the hereafter. Plus, she's intelligent and funny enough to challenge me when I get too stupid and dogmatic in my ravings.

We were discussing the Barbara Walters Heaven special and our respective problems with it. I had mentioned to my wife that I thought Walters had gone much too easy on the religious folk in that she hadn't brought up the point that, in their Heavens, the best ideas were that it was "happy" and " you could eat and not get fat." I remember saying something to the effect of, "fuck, I'm happy here and I eat what I want - how lame is that for a picture of their paradise?" Angela had the same sort of feelings, as far as I could tell, and it was nice to see that someone with a much more forgiving attitude was just as peeved at Baba for dropping the ball.

I mentioned to her that as skeptics, we have to be open to the ideas of Heaven, a creator, and multiple lives; however, what interests me is where the line is for people when evidence stops being important to their belief in something. Searching for the reasons why people "just believe" or why their standards for evidence drop off so dramatically when religion is involved is paramount to figuring out how to explain to these people why we godless folk require our evidence to be of scientific method calibre. A whole lot of understanding could come of that.

Everyone out there have a great start to 2006 and look forward to a lot more rants and raves from this site.

Tommy's Turns a Phrase

The editors at the Historical Dictionary of American Slang have named "jumped the couch" the best new phrase of 2005. In keeping with Mr. Cruise's inclusion on my TUMA award list, I had to mention his new "accomplishment" so as to keep his pending insanity on the upside of the career bell-curve. I don't believe that Tom, Tom, Ron Hubbard's son will see a decline in his movie receipts anytime soon, but perhaps his time as a potential "sexiest man" or what-not has certainly...um...jumped the shark.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Welcome and Thanks

A big, warm-hearted thank-you to James Randi for posting my URL and Barbara Walters' Heaven bit on his weekly Swift page. Also, a welcome to any readers of Swift who happen to drop by here to see what I'm about. Feel free to look around and drop a comment - I'd love to hear from you all. Have a great New Year!

2005 TUMA Winner

Now, to keep my promised delivery date of my pick for the 2005 winner of the Thumb Up My Ass award, here it is: George W. Bush.

This was not arrived at with a small amount of thought. After eliminating the weaker entries - people who just annoy me, people who did weird things - I got it down to three finalists. Mr. Bush, Creationists, and Pres. Amadinejad of Iran. I figured that since Mr. Amadinejad only wished Isreal off the map and only said that the Holocaust was "a myth", he gets off as a lunatic, religious, nut-bar who should be removed from any position of power. He is, however, certainly a future contender, to be sure.

The Creationists fought hard for "intelligent" design to be included (and by "included", I mean "exclusively taught in place of evolution") in schools. Because of their arguements only flying in the United States, them being generally seen as freaks of nature in the rest of the world, their loss in the Dover decision, and scientists finally having the balls to stand up and confront the superstitious bullshit (thank you Dr. Eugenie Scott, among others), they are likely going to go away just a smidge, regroup, and come back again. My bet on the new name for creationism is "Quantum String Science Mathematical Physic-type Designy Einsteinism".

To get back to our winner for '05, Mr. Bush took the prize for overall imcompetence leading to the death of nearly 1,100 people in the Hurricane Katrina debacle. People died who had no business dying due to the slow federal response and the receipt for those bodybags lands softly with a dull thud on the lap of Mr. President. Aside from the other shit that Chimpy screwed up this year (spying without warrants, giving an opinion on DeLay's case while the it was pending, his people dicking around with the Valerie Plame story, etc...), the Katrina "rescue" sticks in my craw a tad. Taking a week to get food and basic sanitation to a stadium full of people in "the greatest country on Earth" - well, you might want to get back to me on that one, friend.

In Iraq, there have been 841 U.S. soldiers killed this year, and over 2000 since the "war" started. That stands in stark contrast to what people like Cheney and Don Rumsfeld said in '03 when they were heard making comments in that the war in Iraq would last, "weeks, not months." Bush lies, gets the people around him to twist the facts, selectively remembers events, and plays with his balls while people drown and starve to death. Congratulations, President...or should I say "Governor" Bush, you get the TUMA for this year. You know, I'm wondering if you ever won an election to make you head of Texas....

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Pope on Xmas

Benedict XVI gave his first Christmas mass from his balcony in St. Peter Square today saying, "A united humanity will be able to confront the many troubling problems of the present time: from the menace of terrorism to the humiliating poverty in which millions of human beings live, from the proliferation of weapons to the pandemics and the environmental destruction which threatens the future of our planet...." Of course, he left out the part about homosexuality being a "severe disorder" and that the AIDS crisis, particularily in Africa, is being worsened by the church's archaic and nonsensical ban on condoms. I'm going to die of not-surprise.

"Do not fear; put your trust in him. The life-giving power of his light is an incentive for building a new world order based on just ethical and economic relationships...." How many people in just South Africa have died from AIDS because they didn't use condoms? You can't have "life-giving power" when your head is buried in sand.

"God is so powerful that he can make himself vulnerable and come to us as a defenceless child, so that we can love him...something of the splendour (of Christmas) shines on every child, even on those still unborn." Pope Benny stressed the word "every" to highlight the Vatican's opposition to abortion, not that anyone was confused. Once again, we have a man in robes talking about some supernatural being transforming itself into a baby so we can love it. How self-centered is this "creator" of theirs? Can it transform itself into a baby seal with big eyes so we can all go, "awww...how cute is that creator?!" Maybe then I could club it to death and we could get over this silly, superstitous bullshit.

The fact that grown adults are sucked in by this crap blows me away; right up until I realize that it's not grown adults that are sucked in, it's kids. Then the kids grow up and become adults who just never thought about how silly this belief is, but by now they're too deep into it and they'd have to change their minds, which takes too much work and an admission that they were wrong. If you're waiting for that to happen, you might want to rent The Godfather trilogy and start the popcorn, 'cause it's gonna be a while.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Christmas Cat Fun

So my cat, obviously in the mood for the holidays and completely over the Iam's Cat Food thing, decided to jump on our kitchen counter, gnaw through a Zip-Loc baggie, and pull out a Pecan-Doodle to consume during the late night hours. I've heard that chocolate is bad for cats but he seems fine. I think chocolate would be preferable to, say, Scientology. No one wants to own a cat who jumps around like Tom Cruise or blathers about the "evils of psychiatry" like Jenna Elfman or Lisa-Marie Presley. I bet all three of these people lick their crotches, which twice as bad as chocolate is for cats.

Happy End-of-Year and on the 25th, let's all raise a glass for Isaac Newton's birthday, shall we? He'd be 363 this year, that big-haired, physics-inventing freak. Hear hear.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Secular = Anti-Christian?

When did the word "secular" come to mean "anti-christian"? Also, when did it become a bad thing to be a secular person or live in a secular society? Can I blame this on Bill O'Reilly?

Miriam Webster defines "secular" as, "not overtly or specifically religious, not bound by monastic vows or rules," which seems to be fairly self explanatory. It's not religious, not anti-religious. There is a difference that the O'Reillys of the world can't seem to get into their heads.

If people were anti-religious, we would be saying that we oppose to celebrating Christmas in your homes, that there will be no Christmas songs on the radio or decorations in supermarkets or malls. We would try to close your churches, keep you from praying, and certainly not allow "...under God" in the Pledge. The Ten Commandments would be right out, disallowed in every public forum and private home. That would be anti-religious.

Secular means equality in the public arena. It means that everyone has equal representation and everyone, regardless of belief, is included in the goings-on of the State. Secular does not mean "atheist" - I am an atheist and I am openly against religion; I think that it does harm to society and the world in general and we would be far better off to be rid of it all. If "secular" was analagous to my thinking, Christianity would most definitely have a "war" on its hands. As it is, secular governments will protect their rights as well as all other citizens. But that isn't enough for the Fundies or evangelicals; they want to retain their special spot and their prime real-estate on the top of the mountain. Seeing it crumble is making them tremble a tad, and it's only going to get worse.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Barbara Walters' Heaven

Well that was depressing. I just watched BabaWawa's Heaven: Where is it? How do we get there? special and man, what a sad spectacle. How many people are out there living for a future life, living for the "next life", or living only to kill others because of their lack of faith. People buying into the spiritual blackmail of "do good or else".

The three minutes of Ellen Johnson was just the typical token skeptic to say, "no, there's no Heaven, it's all superstition, it's comforting to believe, but there's no rationality behind it". There were two short clips of an atheist camp and a researcher showing that near-death experiences are explainable through brain chemistry, but these were quickly forgotten when the anecdotal tales of white lights, pleasant thoughts, and dead relatives came back to the forefront.

It makes me sad that so many grown adults are placated with such base niceties as "white lights", "stairways with happy dogs and cats", and "everything was green and compassionate". To think that way demeans your life and makes you only live to get your personal reward - so whatever you do here is a means to an end. A selfish end.

Having your life be finite, as an atheist believes, makes your actions have consequences. You are responsible for your actions and you must atone not with an invisible father figure, but with your peers. Your memory will be forever tainted if you kill people, defraud people, or otherwise take advantage of the less fortunate. Atheists realize that this is what we have and we are lucky to have it; we help those who need it because it is the right thing to do to push our society forward.

Why do believers want so much more? If a person, an atheist for example, lives a good life, helps people, is compassionate, has a job that makes others better (a doctor, counselor, or firefighter...), that may not be enough to get you into their version of Heaven. You have to believe in their book. All the other good things are meaningless if you don't believe. A man who kills ten people can go to prison and "find God", ask forgiveness, and go to heaven - but an atheist cannot. That makes not an ounce of sense.

There is hope, connectedness, and accountablility in having a rationalistic worldview. There is a lot to learn from how non-theists live and work, but Barbara Walters didn't look for us, she took the easy route. As expected, no surprise there.

2005 TUMA Award!

Time Magazine has its Person of the Year once again, and this year it turned out to be three people; Bill and Melinda Gates, and Bono (aka: Paul Hewson).

These fine folks were elected because of their charitable work, and good on them. Deservingly so. You may not like Bono (I have my moments), but he brings attention to world hunger. You may think Bill Gates basically plays Monopoly with the Earth, but you can’t argue with a charity that has a 29 billion endowment and gives money away to good causes faster then any other in history. They have saved, according to statistics, over 700,000 lives by investing in vaccination programs – take that Bill Maher, you anti-vac PETA freak.

But now, we move on to the real award of the year. The TUMA. That’s right, the 2005 Thumb Up My Ass Award.

We have several candidates, so let’s get right into it.

  1. George W. Bush – The schmoe who fucked up the Hurricane Katrina rescue, told Brownie he was doing a “heckuva job”, didn’t do too much about Cheney’s Scooter in the CIA leak, said that alleged money launderer and former House majority leaderTom DeLay wasn’t guilty before his trial, and most recently, said evesdropping on citizens without a warrant was ok by him. How did this guy get elected twice…? Well, he didn’t. I guess that’s the point.
  2. Tom Cruise (Ph.D, Ob.Gyn. wannabe) – 2005 will go down as the year Tom Cruise lost his goddamn mind…or perhaps the year we became aware of the fact that he just had really good handlers in the past. His on-air tiff with Matt Lauer about Cruise’s “knowledge” of the history of psychiatry, his beef with Brooke Shields about his “knowledge” of post-partum anti-depressants, and his purchase of an ultrasound machine so he can test its negative effects on fetuses all point to one thing – a career turn that will one day put him on par with fellow alien lover, Jenna Elfman.
  3. Stanley Tookie Williams – Dead murderer who garnered much celebrity attention this year due to his killing of four people and his subsequent execution. He co-started the Crips gang in L.A., which now kills people and deals drugs all over the country, found religion after getting caught like every other criminal, wrote some anti-gang kids books, and generally liked being a big-shot. He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, much like his peers Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Benito Mussolini; and much like them, he is now also a dead asshole. Great, now I have to hate Jamie Foxx for defending a scumbag murderer….
  4. Creationists – With the legal challenges, the textbook changes, and the denial of so much evidence it could choke a hippo, these backward folks made a bit of a name for themselves this year with their force-feeding of so called “intelligent” design. Never mind that evolution is the most scientifically supported idea in history, let’s make the US officially the most scientifically backward country on Earth. To them, we are the centre of the universe, the planet is 4000 years old, and God intervenes with Monday Night Football. Praise Jebus and pass the corn chips, we got ourselves a churchin’ country! At least federal judge John E. Jones stood up to them and said, I’m paraphrasing, “Contrary to popular opinion, I am the HHIC, and there shall be no churchin’ in science classes!” As the street kids say, “word to your mother.”
  5. Bill O’Reilly – The most offensive, lame-ass television “personality” of the year (and I say personality because he is certainly not a journalist). Bill made much of a nonexistent “war on Christmas”, has spouted more untruths than Jon Lovitz on SNL, and said that terrorists could blow up Coit Tower if they wanted. He’s a crappy writer (his book, Those Who Trespass, got how many one star reviews on Amazon?); a liar (The “Paris Business Review”, Bill?); and, he tried to publish an “enemies list” of websites that were, in his words, “anti-military.” Mr. O’Reilly, you get to kiss the rosebud, my friend.
  6. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – What do you expect from a guy who leads a country where renouncing religious faith gets you a death sentence? Well, you expect him to be a religious fanatic with such a skewed world-view that he will most likely start WWIII. This “elected” official with the soft spot on his head said that the Holocaust is a myth and that Israel should be wiped off the map. The irony of a man saying that all Jews should die while in the same breath saying that mass killing of that same group never happened, in the face of a Mt. Everest of evidence, makes him a 24 karat asshole.
  7. Oprah Winfrey – She is on my list because she ruined a great movie for me. For playing the pathetic race card after not being allowed into a Hermes store as they were closing, calling it her “Crash” moment, she drops credibility no matter how many iPods she gives away. Stop trying to be “of the people”, Ms. Winfrey; you’re not. And don’t be such a pussy about being turned away from a scarf store – they wouldn’t have let me in either, so blow racism out the hole in your back. Man, Crash was a good goddamn movie too….

…and lastly….

  1. Star Jones – This somewhat rotund daytime hack of a personality said that she was “thankful” that God spared her from death in the Asian tsunami. For showing the arrogance only a woman of her former size could muster, plus just being annoying 24/7, she gets on my list. I wish she got swept away in those giant waves – her “missing” picture would take up three of the four sides of a milk carton. You’d have to cut along the edges and unfurl her picture like some twisted, Playboy centerfold from Hell. Don’t nobody need to see that.

Those are my nominees; I’m sure I’ve left off many people that others would have included (I’m thinking Paris Hilton, Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson, Britany and Kevin-Bob, and so many others), but I have my reasons. I also know who I’d pick to win the not-so-coveted TUMA, but I want to hear who you think should win. I’ll reveal my winner on the 30th of December, my birthday.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Fuck Tucker Carlson - Again

Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson (yes, the frozen-dinner Swansons) has once again proven that he has no integrity and has no business of any type on a journalistic stage.

Carlson recently criticized Canada and its citizens after Prime Minister Paul Martin said the following, apparently vicious, comment regarding the United States and its refusal to sign the Kyoto Protocol: “It may be smart election-year politics to thump your chest and constantly criticize your friend and your number one trading partner…But it is a slippery slope and all of us should hope that it doesn't have a long-term impact on the relationship.”

Wow, that must sting. Biting commentary from a place that does, as Carlson said last year, "a lot of dog sledding." Tucker must cry like a baby when someone calls him a fag. Jebus, I mean, if the above...I suppose he'd call it an "insult", is the worst you get from a friendly nation, I'd consider that a healthy relationship.

I can't stand the superiority complex from this fucking guy. He goes to school (Trinity College) and, in his words, "(A)fter four years, I had met a lot of interesting people, gone to a couple of classes and restored a motorcycle, and that was it." So he's a dropout. Hm...I wonder how he got on television to begin with? Maybe because of his daddy who was the President and CEO of The Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Funny how when you have shitty credentials, nepotism can step in and fill the gap, eh? Oh, sorry, "eh" is a little too Canadian for Tucker.

We, of course, should be used to shit being pinched out of his mouth because last year ('04) he said the following:

“Without the U.S., Canada is essentially Honduras, but colder and much less interesting”, and that instead of following politics, "the average Canadian is busy dog sledding."

Also, “(C)anada's essentially -- essentially a made-in-Taiwan version of the United States.”

And, “I noticed that most sort of vigorous, ambitious Canadians, at least almost all comedians in Canada, come to the United States in the end. Doesn't that tell you something about the sort of limpid, flaccid nature of Canadian society."

But on the Dec. 15 edition of Carlson's new show, he said the following about Canada:

“Canada is essentially a stalker, stalking the United States, right? Canada has little pictures of us in its bedroom, right?…We, meanwhile, don't even know Canada's name. We pay no attention at all...Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice, but you don't take him seriously.”

Why do we let him get off easily from these comments? No one calls him on his publicity-craving antics. He needs to say things like this to stay in the spotlight because his "journalism" certainly isn't going to do it. Nor are his fashion, his looks, or his wannabe bad-boy image. He’s just a pansy in a bow tie.

I could go off on a Canada rant here. I could post the "I Am Canadian" speech from the stupid beer commercial, and quote all the patriotic bullshit that will make your eyes water. I am not going to do that. I will quote Gene Simmons who said, while scolding Much Music's Nardwuar (who is almost as annoying as Carlson) about Canadian insecurity: "You should be proud of this country, you've got a lot of land, great looking girls, it's everything to be proud of."

Simmons didn't use trade statistics, however. Last year ('04), there was almost 256 billion dollars going from Canada to the U.S. I'll pause here for you to re-read that last statement.... To put that in perspective, the United States' war in Iraq has cost just over 227 billion so far. That's less than a year's worth of goods from us to you. Canada provides many things, my friend, least of which are our quality silks stolen from jockeys, which we use for bow ties.

To summarize: Tucker hears a couple of comments from our politicians, and he gets his panties in a bunch. I can see Ann Coulter getting her panties in a bunch, but I think she might actually wear briefs made of thorns (we are lucky that the U.S. allows us to exist in North America, after all). He then blows off some rhetoric about us being the retard at the Thanksgiving table.

Well, we are not the helmeted ones smearing gravy on our hands, Fucker. We are not wasting time reporting on some ludicrous “war on Christmas”, we are not trying to put religion into our science classes or burying our heads in the face of a pile of scientific evidence bigger than Star Jones' asscheeks, and we are not insulting the United States. Were we to go that route, you would know it without question. We get good at insulting during all that free time we have not shooting each other.

Oh, and the comics that go South are smart enough to know that dick and fart jokes will get them money there. Lowest common denominator humour and all that. Sorry, “humor” – I know you have trouble with that spelling.

Fuck Christmas

  • It's true...it's funny and it's true.
  • Friday, December 16, 2005

    Keith Richards is a Superhero

    I have it figured out. The answer to the question that has plagued rock 'n roll for decades is now evident, and you heard it here first: Keith Richards has super powers. He is a mutant rock hero.

    The footage of Rolling Stones guitarist Richards being electrocuted in 1965 at a concert in Sacramento is being auctioned and 'ol Keith may buy it himself. I believe that this incident (where Keith's guitar strings touched an ungrounded mic) mutated Richards' DNA thus giving him the power of extended life and the ability to not die from drugs or tobacco. He can go on, fighting shitty pop music, people with good pronunciation, and the Christian Right.

    Kudos to a man who can wear the Seinfeld puffy shirt and make it look cool. He can wear headbands that were once only destined for the waists of coke-addicted, rail-thin chicks who can walk down runways. And most of all, he can act in Pirates of the Carribean II and make me laugh. Rock on you death-defying, mutant, puffy-shirt-wearing superhero, you.

    Wednesday, December 14, 2005

    Pres. Ahmadinejad is Retarded

    Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said recently that the Jews of the world "fabricated" the Holocaust. To respond to that accusation is (a) beneath me and (b) so not necessary due to the ridiculous amount of evidence in the world. Ahmadinejad is at the head of the retard-conga-line that is religious revisionist history. If you have any doubts about where the United States is heading (with Kansas as its flag-bearer), look no further than Iran. Theocratic nations are full of backward retards who can't do a damn thing to move humanity forward.

    To believe in religion so much that it clouds your mind with respect to facts is to be certifiably insane. Having a large portion of your crowd chant, "God is Greatest", after you say, "(I)f your civilisation consists of unjust acts, oppression and poverty for the majority of the globe to provide your own people welfare, then we shout at the top of our voices that we hate your frail civilisation,"(with respect to the Jewish population) is to be no better than that Heaven's Gate psycho. Religion is a sliding scale of insanity, and if you believe in an invisible thing in the sky that can give answers when you ask for a better job, or not to get caught in your adulterous fling, you are, on a certain level, insane. Deal with it.

    For Ahmadinejad to say that Israel should be "wiped off the map", is a statement of religious hatred and insanity. The fact that this lunatic got elected is scary enough, but to hear shit from just south of us about the "War on Christmas" is just as worrisome. Apparently, these idiots have never seen real war. A few bodies torn apart on his doorstep would keep Bill O'Reilly's mouth shut for a little while. Oh, sorry, Bill only does it for ratings. Fox News - Fair and Balanced.

    As an atheist, it's annoying to have to put up with Christmas decorations and carols and idiots like O'Reilly blathering on about some "war" on a goddamn religious holiday that is celebrated for two fucking months, but much more frightening are people like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It is people like him who are going to use religion and its associated irrational hatred to start a war that will have drastic consequences on the entire world.

    We have to get rid of religion.

    Tuesday, December 13, 2005

    Rabbi Shmuley Boteach on MJ

    Rabbi Boteach seems to be holding all the answers. Actually, he has one answer that fits any question or problem you may have. Get more religion.

    The Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (RSB from now on) has in the past commented on Jackson’s alleged conversion. In an article from December 2003, RSB says, “…if Michael Jackson authentically and sincerely re-found Jesus right now, it might rescue him from the nightmare that has become his life. So why choose instead to join "Nation of Islam"? Because Jesus and Christianity would make major demands on Michael – demands of character – to which he clearly is even now not prepared to commit. It's of course a lot easier just to join a radical Black Muslim group and claim to be victimized by a hostile white world.”

    So Christianity is better than Islam. But being Jewish is better than anything. Of course, if you are an atheist, you are doomed not to hell, but to being materialistic, shallow, depraved and suffocated by the selfishness of egocentrism. Wow – sucks to be me then.

    RSB said that, “Michael…is living proof that religion in the modern age is no longer a luxury, but a necessity. God is not something we can pull out as a Christmas gift. Faith is no longer something that can be reserved only for the bunker.” Well, religion never was something reserved only for the bunker. Contrary to the popular belief, there are atheists in foxholes. Always have been. Religion is not the answer; it’s a large part of the problem. Why are there people in those foxholes to begin with, Shmuley? A lot of the time, it’s because religious people want to kill each other. Shall I list some religious wars/conflicts? Afghanistan (Muslim against non-Muslim), Bosnia (Serbian Orthodox Christian against Muslim), Cyprus (Christians and Muslims), and Uganda (Animists, Christians, and Muslims).

    One quote that shows where RSB’s head is at is, “Michael Jackson is actually an outstanding candidate to come back to God because he was once a very pious and devoted religious son, who spent his weekdays in church and his Sundays proselytizing (stress mine). So trying to make other people believe in your invisible man in the sky, potentially erasing culturally distinctive beliefs, is ok with RSB. Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for getting people to drop the stupid, religious, superstitious nonsense altogether; but exchanging one childish belief for another is like replacing Santa Claus with the Tooth Fairy.

    This is a great bit. “I have more than a few celebrity friends, and most started life as decent people whose only crime was to be so dark on the inside that they just couldn't live without the spotlight on the outside.” I’m sure your “celebrity friends” loved reading that. “You weren’t talkin’ ‘bout me, were you Shmuley?”

    Apparently being a celebrity grants you full access into hell. RSB thinks that, “it's become so essential that we rescue our celebrities, primarily by having them bring God back into their lives.” Celebrities also, indirectly of course, bring fame and money to RSB. I wonder if he ever thought that a lot of us like to watch “celebrities” crash and burn into a vortex of drugs, sex, and crime. It’s amusing to see people who have contributed so little to society, people who have focused on themselves so much, come apart at the seams. Hell, who didn’t call Britany’s divorce from Kevin-Bob? She’s going to be the Elizabeth Taylor of our generation. Well, ok, maybe Jennifer Lopez.

    Finally on Jackson, RSB says, “…if he (Michael) has any chance of arresting the downward freefall that is his life, it will have to be by grabbing onto the life preserver called the church…” Well, you might want to check on all the criminals and murderers in prisons around the country to see which are “born again”. I’m sure that when they get out, they’ll all be fine, upstanding Christians, Jews and Muslims. Ever notice whenever some psycho serial killer is caught, what the odds are that he will be super religious? Maybe “talks to God”?

    There is nothing religion can give a person that isn’t available through other means, without the “we’re the only path to salvation, without us you burn in Hell, we’ll kill you if you’re not one of us” bullshit. We need to get rid of irrational belief – it won’t happen soon, but it’ll happen. Not next year though, because RSB has a new show coming out on TLC (“The Learning Channel” or, more accurately, “Totally Lowering Consciousness”) called Shalom in the Home. He’s basically going to be a Jew Dr. Phil making house calls.

    Tune me out.

    Monday, December 12, 2005

    Tookie

    Living far away from California, I don't have too much interest in the Stanley "Tookie" Williams case. I felt, however, that I should comment on it because it is now on all the news shows in the U.S. and here in Canada. It warrants a word or three.

    Canadian law has not allowed the death penalty since 1976 when it was removed from the Canadian Criminal Code. It was still permitted under the Canadian National Defence Act for certain crimes (treason, mutiny) but was removed even from that in 1998 when it was changed to life imprisonment with no eligibility for parole before 25 years. Take that as you will, I'll say that I am in favor of the death penalty in a very narrow scope of instances.

    It seems to me that when someone takes a life through criminal acts (premeditated murder), that person is choosing to live outside of society. They are not playing by the established rules (of which, there really aren't too many, if you think about it). We know that when societies allow members to kill each other, those societies don't last too long. It turns into a "survival of the brutish neanderthals" situation. Sort of like gang culture....

    Stanley Williams, it has been noted, has turned his life around. He is an anti-gang worker who has, from his cell, written books trying to keep children away from the gang life (which he had a very large hand in starting). Isn't that sort of like burning down someone's house and then buying their kid a stuffed animal? He is accused of killing four people; one family of a mother, father and daughter; the last a man shot twice in the back with a shotgun. The shells recovered from the scene were matched to a shotgun purchased by Mr. Williams and turned into police by his roommates when they found it under their bed. Suspect witnesses, you may say. There's reasonable doubt, you may say. I'll buy the reasonable doubt arguement as soon as a plausible explanation comes out for how the murder weapon got in Mr. Williams' apartment.

    Several Hollywood celebrities have come out in support of Mr. Williams' case. They point to his anti-gang work. You can't read an article about the case without seeing that he was a "Nobel Peace Prize nominee". Well, I hate to break it to these celebrities, but so was Adolph Hitler. So was Josef Stalin. As was Mussolini. It doesn't take too much to be nominated, it takes quite a bit to actually win. Mr. Williams never won. And just in case you missed former Crip member Calvin "Snoop Dogg" Broadus talking about Mr. Williams, he said, "Stanley Tookie Williams is not just a regular old guy, he's an inspirator..." Of course, Mr. Broadus also has a song on his album, Duces 'N Trayz - The Old Fashioned Way
    called "Mac Bible Chapter 211 Verse 20-21" that states the "Gansta Ten Commandments" which are as follows:

    And the gangsta Ten Commandments shall read:

    '
    Thou shall kill a snitch'
    'Thou shall check a bitch'
    'Thou shall charge a ho'
    'Thou shall send a sucker'
    'Thou shall respect the G'
    'Thou shall pack that steel'
    'Thou shall keep it real'
    'Thou shall flex his G's'
    'Thou shall stack his green'
    'Thou shall stay true to his game'
    See I'm a gangsta, not a prankster
    I don't pull rabbits out of my hat
    But I will pull a strap from behind my back
    Now how 'bout that!


    Inspiring, don't you think?

    Recent news has said that a new witness could shed new light on the case and right the wrongs of Mr. Williams' conviction. I find it strange that this person could have come forward at any point in the last 23 years, but chose not to. And with all the years behind bars, helping kids to stay away from gangs, Mr. Williams never helped police break up the gang that he started. He never divulged information about the Crips that could have helped police prevent a portion of the murders by his former gang, or slow the dealing of drugs to kids. He participated in several escape attempts from prison and spent six and a half years in solitary confinement for assault on other inmates and guards. Let's also not forget his mouthed words (in court transcripts) to the jury of his trial: "I'm going to get each and every one of you motherfuckers." Mr. Williams may have done some good things with the latter part of his life, but that does not erase the earlier wrongs.

    And just so no one forgets the most important people in this case, their names are:

    Albert Owens, 26, killed at a 7-Eleven for approximately $120

    Yen-I Yang, 76, Tsai-Shai Chen Yang, 63, and the couple's daughter Yu-Chin Yang Lin, 43, all killed at
    the Brookhaven motel for approximately $100.

    Saturday, December 10, 2005

    Jesus Hates Wal-Mart

    You must go here http://abcnews.go.com/Business/wireStory?id=1387569 and read the article first. Then you must go to the emergency eye-wash station you should have set up next to your keyboard and rinse for 8 minutes, minimum. That should fix you right up.

    Some people are now saying with confidence where Jesus would shop. Well, if my history is at all accurate, he probably shopped in huts. Huts that sold mud, dirt, the odd fish, and maybe some maize. Actually, not maize; more likely dates or figs. Last I checked, his 'hood back when he was walking around (and not everyone is convinced that he did walk around - see http://www.thegodmovie.com/index.php) didn't have very high sales of DVDs or sneakers with wheels in the heel. Let's not go jumping to conclusions about what some magician from 2000 years ago would purchase. K? K.

    Also, these helmeted short-bus riders (http://www.leftbehind.com/channelendtimes.asp?pageid=1243&
    channelID=71) seem to think that the signs of the end of the world are not quite here yet, but they're coming. I think the resurgence of Billy Ray Cyrus' career on that TV show should be one of those horsemen. It boggles my mind every day that people are seriously talking about how the world is going to end and referencing the damn bible.

    I'm officially out. You people can believe what you want, I'm going to make myself a crunchy peanut butter sandwich on white bread and eat it with a glass of milk. There's probably a verse or two in the damn bible that tells me that I shouldn't do that, but, in the words of Socrates, "Fuck 'em."

    Wednesday, December 07, 2005

    Christian War on Mithra

    The Roman/Iranian/Hindu god Mithra was quoted today as saying he’s, “pissed like a mofo” at Christians who have, “stolen his birthday to worship that fag, Jesus.”

    He was in an obviously sore mood today as the press conference questions and flash bulbs wore on his nerves. After riding up to the front gates of the Pontiac Silverdome, he parked his chariot and entered to not a small amount of pre-planned fanfare. All the preparations did little to quash his foul temper, however. He picked out this recent quote from the Rev. Jerry Falwell as being particularly egregious: “…as long as we don't try to pretend we're not a nation under God.”

    “Well I’m a god, Jerry. Did you think of that?” Mithra quipped. “No, of course you didn’t, you self-centered, arrogant prick.” He also took aim at a quote by a spokesperson from the Catholic League who said, "(N)inety-six percent of Americans celebrate Christmas, spare me the diversity lecture."

    “First of all, ninety-six percent is not correct, Rainman. Get your stats right, then take your thumb out of your ass, then come and talk to me. The latest numbers that have come my way say that 76.5% of Americans are Christians. That’s from 2000.

    “Oh, and your boy Jesus wasn’t born on the 25th of December; I was. That copycat loser asshole was born in Autumn – don’t any of those dipshits read their bibles?” Mithra then took a sip of water and shook his head. “I was born of a virgin, I had twelve followers, and I did the miracles. That no-talent fuckface Jesus couldn’t make a slice of toast taste good if he had a knife and some Smucker’s strawberry.

    “They want a War on Christmas? I’ll give them a War on Christmas….” With those words he stood up and, to a rousing version of Queen’s We Are The Champions, left the building for his prior engagement of slaying a bull for a crowd outside Detroit. No news on what Mithra was planning for his “war” or what the significance was of the Queen song.

    Tuesday, December 06, 2005

    Jennifer Aniston's Boobs

    Jennifer, you're really hot. You've been really hot for a long time now. You've taken great pains to portray yourself as a hot chick; so much so, in fact, that a hairstyle has been named for you and people follow you around to see what you'll do next. There are thousands of black and white posters of you naked with your legs crossed in front of you, hiding your naughty bits just enough to not be lewd. You seem nice and you're pretty much the only f.r.i.e.n.d to have a post-tv career - and you were great in Office Space.

    That said, you need to chill about the titty pictures. Call off the lawyers. Seriously. You were sunbathing topless, outside. Did you really think that you'd be alone for as far as the eye can see? Of course some pervarazzi was going to show up with a Palomar-sized telephoto lens to take pictures of your tanned torso. Every teen out there (and most of the thirty-something crowd) have now saved the image of your naked body to their my pictures file, soon to be misplaced and later found by their girlfriends/wives.

    Don't worry; this will blow over just like Janet's titty thing did. And you didn't even flash at a public event. Your tits will be forgotten by next Tuesday if you just shut up about it. They are nice though....

    Know Yer Gods - Thor

    He’s the son of Odin and Jord with the red beard and single-digit IQ. He’s a chariot-driving freak who makes thunder by throwing his hammer named Mjolnir (you have to add some dot-type accents to that name to make it correct). Now, Donar was the original thunder god who gave the symbol of thunder to Thor – in the form of a swastika (those wacky Norsemen).

    Thor married Sif and had a daughter named Thrud (unfortunate, but when you’re the daughter of the Thunder God, you take what you get). He also had an affair with Jarnsaxa with whom he had two sons: Modi, the god of battle and going berserk (how cool is THAT?!); and Magni, the god of strength who was stronger than his dad. I’m sure both were emotionally crippled by an overbearing inferiority complex and trouble with women. They frequented the brothels controlled by Labia, the goddess of sexually transmitted diseases.

    Sif had golden hair and governed over the harvest. Loki, that prankster god, snuck in one quiet August night* and cut her hair off while she slept. Fortunately, there were good dwarf wig-makers who used gold as substitute locks. Thor was well-off and didn’t need to be concerned about the costs, but sadly, gold is cancerous to gods and Sif developed a doozy of a brain tumor.

    Thrud was going to marry a dwarf (apparently the Norse have a thing for dwarves), but Thor didn’t like him so a ruse was concocted to make the tiny man stay up all night. Once the sun hit him, he turned to stone (try it with a dwarf of your own, Mr. Science!). After the murder, she then became one of the Valkyries, taking dead warriors to Valhalla to drink and bone all night. Man, chicks are all the same….

    And now you know the basics of Thor!

    *no one is sure if it was actually an August night, or if it was particularly quiet.

    Monday, December 05, 2005

    O'Reilly's List

    So, can Canadian websites get on Joe McCarth...sorry, Bill O'Reilly's "enemy" list? Is there some sort of qualification process? Ooo, could we make it like a Miss World pagent and have a talent competition followed by swimsuits and evening gowns? Oh, right, that would make dudes like me somewhat gay, and we all know what happens after that: The Collapse of the Family.

    Friggin' right wing psychos....

    I know Bill has some quippy, "Canada needs the U.S. to protect it from terrorists, so know your place" comment all stored up in case some mouthy Canuck pokes his head up to take a verbal jab at him and his hate-filled, misdirected, wannabe badass show. Tucker "Bow Ties = cool!" Carlson, part II. All I can say from up here is that we know most Americans are not like you, Mr. Hate-The-French. You will be going the way of Morton Downey Jr. soon enough, faking Nazi beatings in an airport bathroom and trying to stay in the public eye....

    Yeah, and until then, eat some ass.

    Letter to National Post

    I read in the National Post today a letter to the editor that almost made me choke. The title was, "Who designed the designer", but it was a letter saying that "intelligent" design was a plausible explanation for how we got here. The irony entry in my dictionary burst into flame after seeing this due to its inadaquacy.

    I mean, that is precisely the question that the "intelligent" design people won't answer. The letter made some point about humans "creating" different breeds of dogs, thus the "intelligent" creators were us (although I'd challenge the author of the piece to watch 1o minutes of Wife Swap and get back to me on that "intelligent" part). Because we created the dog breeds, why then couldn't a more powerful intelligent designer have created us?

    Ok, first of all, humans didn't "create" different species or breeds of dogs, we just put them near each other and the dogs took care of the rest (the "creating", or as we from the East Coast say, "the fuckin'"). Different dog breeds are evidence of variation within a species; sort of like white people, black people, tall people, short people, albino people, and people who think invisible bearded dudes will throw them in a Lake of Fire for all eternity if you get a tinglin' in your loins for another dude.

    For arguements sake, however, let's just say that we did create the dogs. Then, by the writer's logic, a "more powerful" entity must have created us. The problem is now that your "more powerful" entity requires a designer, and so on backwards ad infinitum. This line of reasoning is not intelligent, answers nothing, predicts nothing, and is completely unfalsafiable; therefore it is not science and is relegated to theology. QED, motherfuckers.

    As an interesting side note, I believe "QED" is the fancy book-learnin' way to say "...and the horse you rode in on - which was also not 'created'."

    Sunday, December 04, 2005

    Poker Tourney

    Here's something you don't know about me: I suck at poker. I suck huge at poker. It's not that I play like a retarded monkey, but I'm sure if I was at a table of retarded monkeys, I probably wouldn't win. I am one of the million other band-wagon-jumpers that picked up the recent trend of Texas Hold 'Em.

    Let's just put it this way - math and statistics elude me. If I'm playing at home on the computer against a bunch of CPU dorks (as opposed to me, the human dork, sitting alone on a Friday night playing poker with no one), I can take my time and try to calculate the odds of my getting the card(s) I need and the pot odds and stuff. If I'm sitting at a table of living, breathing poker players, I'm not confident enough yet to calculate those odds on the fly, so I start to play like someone just gave me my ninth concussion of the afternoon.

    I think the internet age of gaming is making me less social. I played in a tournament yesterday and since I live with my wife and I work with all women, I was looking forward to the day as some much-needed testosterone time. A $50 buy-in got you a shot at a thousand dollar first prize. Now, I had the delusion that out of a hundred players, I would make it to the final table. One hour later, I was the first person out at my table. I was in the "loser's lounge" thinking that the name of the room was a metaphor for my entire life. Had I a tail, it would have been tucked between my legs.

    As more of the players got eliminated, we started another game in the "LL". We consoled ourselves by saying things like, "Usually it's the people who know how to play who are out early in these tournaments", and, "You can't bluff people who don't know how to play." These are just different ways of saying, "My dick is still as large as it was before I came to this place."

    The truth is that even if you know all the rules of poker, you'll only win if you play a lot. And by "win", I mean you'll come out a couple bucks ahead after hundreds of hands played. That fact finally realized by my oatmeal-like brain, I shall be taking up rug-hooking. Not a bit of pressure-math involved in that. Now you all know what you'll be getting for Christmas/Passover/Kwanzaa/Solstice/New Year/My Birthday. A crappy rug hooked by a small-dicked retarded monkey.

    Friday, December 02, 2005

    The Mom Show

    Now, you may be asking yourself, "Why is this dude watching The Mom Show?" That is a relevent question, but it's not to be answered here. I'll leave it to your imaginations.

    So The Mom Show is on and they get to the end bit after a few minutes on baby massage. One of the hosts starts telling a story about a "weird experience" she had while getting a massage at a Banff hotel. The therapist was using honey (weird, to be sure, but it's a spa - what do you want?) and all was silent during the treatment. All of a sudden, the female therapist says, "Tony says 'hello'." How fucking creepy is that?

    Well, the host says she didn't know any Tony. Not to be dissuaded, the therapist said, "Yes you do." Lo and behold, there was a person that the TV chick remembered from her youth who died named Tony. The assembled women swooned, "Wooohhh - that's amazing. Do you believe in that stuff?"

    "One hundred percent", said one of the talking head women. The woman who related the story said she had had a reading from John Edward (the douchebag) and "totally believes that there's people out there who can talk to the dead."

    I'm curious about this therapist. How many other times has she said some random name and the person on the table had no idea what the fuck she was talking about. She hits one name that this chick had to strain to remember and she's "amazing". Obviously this "Tony" was not a huge person in the woman's life if she didn't recognize the name right away. If she had said some other name, like most other times, I suspect, this TV woman would have forgotten about the entire incident (can you say "subjective validation" and "retrofitting" kids? I knew that you could).

    The Lifestyle channel is not prone to have the most intellectual programming, but come on; not ONE person saying, "Talking to the dead? Are you serious? That's just retarded - and John Edwards is a huge douchebag." There should be a roving skeptic position in the media who just drops in when conversations turn to the paranormal. That would be a fabulous job.

    I wonder where you'd drop a resume off...?

    Thursday, December 01, 2005

    No Mo' Limbo Fo' Sho'

    Recent news from the Vatican - the area of Limbo is going to be leveled and a parking lot is going to be built. Valet parking will be available upon request.

    Yes, it's true. Babies who die and have not had their tiny tiny heads dripped with water will now be able to go right into Heaven. No word as yet on what is going to happen to the millions of babies already in the Limbo location, but that is no concern to you. They'll probably be evicted to the beautiful Sixth Level of the Slope to Hell. There they specialize in Heresy and Violence, but the view over the Walls of the City into the Seventh Level (the spectacular Lower Levels) are to DIE for. Seriously.

    Until now, it has been up in the air what happens to babies not baptised when they die. Some said that they go to Hell, but because they have only committed original sin (that is, no mortal sins), they're suffering is not as bad as, say, my suffering will fo' sho' be. Basically, it was a huge case of emotional and spiritual blackmail to get your babies into the Church. Indoctrinate 'em when they're young and you've got 'em for life.
    Here's a question: how can people continue to believe that this place (actually these places) are real? Men get together and decide what is going to change, the same as it has always been done, and then the rules change. St. Christopher? Out of the club, friend. Not so much a saint anymore. Limbo? You're dead to me. Does anyone think we could get a Vatican council to stop priests from getting blown by eleven year olds? Can we make that disappear? No? I didn't think so.

    Thanks, Roman Catholic Church, for once again focusing on the invisible and meaningless while avoiding the issues that matter - AIDS in Africa, policies that discriminate against people who want nothing to do with you, and emotional control of populations that fear your stupid ideas. Thanks, putzes.

    Pat Robertson

    Oh Pat Robertson...is there anything you won't say to get attention and headline space? Do you really believe in all the hate that flows out of your jebus-hole or are you just an extraordinarily bad marketing student?

    After the Dover school board recently voted out all eight members who wanted "intelligent" design taught in their science classes, Robertson said this gem, "If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city." Pardon me if I'm getting this mixed up, but if Robertson is correct, didn't his "God" make the entire universe? In six days? Why would a few people getting uppity in a small town, in a tiny corner of ONE of the galaxies He manages, bother Him? How insecure is this fuckin' guy?

    I'm fairly sure that when Robertson opens his mouth to order a club sandwich at the deli counter, he embarrasses himself in some way or other. But when there's camera there and that "faith-based mental retardation" rears it's ugly head, Pat's time to shine truely comes to fruition. I'm happy that he's out there, because he's the person that is going to say the stupid shit that is going to piss off the opponents of I.D. so much that they'll finally band together and squash this religion-bomb.

    Teach I.D. in your private schools if you like (your children will never get a job in science, but hey, I hear the clergy is looking for new members who don't want to bone little kids), teach it in your theology classes (where the magic and talking snakes and Jesus "killing" a fig tree because it didn't provide food for him, don't seem fuckin' crazy), but get this straight - "Intelligent" Design is not intelligent. The "design" we see is often not intelligent, and it is completely explainable. You are free to believe in whatever silly-ass, weirdy shit you can think up as long as you don't hurt anyone or anything else; but don't, for one second, think it is science.

    Freaks In Canada!

    Holy crap. You can't make this shit up. I'm reading the news and see that former Canadian Minister of Defence and Deputy Prime Minister under Pierre Trudeau, Paul Hellyer, said at a speech at the University of Toronto, "UFOs, are as real as the airplanes that fly over your head", adding that he wanted to start talks with these aliens because he believes the United States are trying to start a conflict. This speech was on September 25, 2005.

    "I'm so concerned about what the consequences might be of starting an intergalactic war, that I just think I had to say something. (...)The Bush administration has finally agreed to let the military build a forward base on the moon, which will put them in a better position to keep track of the goings and comings of the visitors from space, and to shoot at them, if they so decide." Now, I don't believe that Bush knows where the moon IS, let alone putting a base there. Of course, none of this conjecture has anything resembling evidence to support it, but these folks will not be deterred.

    The speech was presented, in part by the SDI, or Star Dreams Initiative (websites noted at end). Now, if you want to laugh/cry at what is presented as factual, give the sites a gander. They rest the grand conclusion that there is an advanced life form, humanoid, of course, living under the surface of Mars AND underground in the United States (and in South America), on the "scientific methodology" of remote viewing. Wow.

    Wow. Remote viewing. That was completely discredited in the '70s after the U.S. government spent 20 million dollars researching it at the Stanford Research Institute (SRI). No, it had nothing to do with Stanford University, they just named it that because it sounded good and the university was next door. Twenty million dollars and, in the end, nothing. Yet here we are, getting "scientific" reports that a former Defense Minister is endorsing saying that aliens are definitely living under the surface of fucking Mars. Wow.

    Just to twist the knife here, Hellyer’s speech ended with a standing ovation. I wonder if Hellyer believes the psychotic and anti-semetic fascist David Icke's proposition that the world is run by shape-changing reptilian blood-drinkers? It's not that far off, people.

    I read that, "...the Disclosure Project and... the Toronto Exopolitics Symposium can present compelling evidence, testimony, and Public Policy recommendations" with respect to starting these "talks" with the aliens. I say this: let's start with the basics. FIND an alien. Show everyone that remote viewing was NOT debunked thirty years ago. Start there and then we'll move on to the underground alien mole-people and the nefarious reptilian Bush family.

    Sites referenced:
    www.peaceinspace.net
    www.disclosureproject.org
    www.jerrypippin.com/UFO_Files_toronto_exopolitics_symposium.htm

    "Intelligent" Design

    As someone who doesn't believe in religion in any capacity, it boggles my mind to think that grown adults all over the world would happily kill me because of my atheistic heathenism in the name of their "loving religion." That cracks me up for days. Kansas' recent decision to put "Intelligent" Design in science classrooms to "tell the students both sides of the story" saddens me for those kids. Seriously, is this how it will be there?

    ID version of a year in a Kansas biology class:

    "Hi kids, welcome to biology 101. Today we're going to learn where life on Earth came from. Because of the court order I have to say something about the 'theory' of evolution, so here goes. Some weirdo hell-dwelling Satan lover came up with this ludicrous idea that we came from monkeys. You can pretty much throw this silly theory away based solely on that. Ok, so on to a really good idea...

    "With Intelligent Design, we study until it gets too hard, then we say 'God did it'. That's it. If any exam question is too hard for you to answer, just write 'God did this' and you'll be given a perfect score. If your textbook is too difficult, read your bible. Actually, if you all 'lost' your textbooks, that'd be ok, as long as you read your bible.

    "Ok, see you all at the final."

    If that's not crazy, I don't know what is. Yeah, there's an invisible guy in the sky who does everything we don't understand...and everything else we think we understand. Actually, we don't know anything and God does it all. Sorry, the "intelligent designer" does it all. But the designer is an American, not one of those weirdy false gods...sorry, designers, from one of those loser countries. The "intelligent designer is certainly not Allah, Vishnu, or Thor. Not Posiden, Ganesh, or Buddha. It's the good ol' American boy, Jesus and his father.

    I'd like a poll done asking, "Where was Jesus from?" and see how many people say "Manhatten".