The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Career Miscalculation Tale

I am a self-employed massage therapist, which you'd know if you read my little bio thingy. I try to be a writer as well, but so far, no bills are getting paid by my hitting the keys daily. My wife and I just bought a house - actually, let me put that more accurately - my wife bought a house. When we went to get approved for a morgage, the agent said, "Well, you qualify easily for the amount you're requesting."

"Great!", I said.

He says, "Let me rephrase that: Ma'am, you qualify for the morgage. Sir, you couldn't buy an igloo in India. You'd be lucky to be able to afford a popsicle-stick house made by a retard at a county craft fair. You have made several major work-related life errors in your day. You should get some tattoos, buy a squeegee and a dog, and hit the streets, friend. That or do a bunch of sit-ups and look into gay porn."

Afterwards, my buddy tells me of a rub-n-tug place near where I live. Seriously, my buddy. Ok, a little bird told me. An arrow flew in my window with a note attached. A bottle with a map was floating in my bath-tub when I got up today...just pick a lie and stick to it. So I'm checking the place out online (some people take smoke breaks....) and I see that they have something called a "nude reverse massage". This is where the customer, for $100 per half hour, gets to massage a naked chick. I thought, "man, did I go to the wrong massage school, or what?!" At my clinic, I do the massaging, like a chump, on semi-naked women. Granted, I've never professionally tweaked a nipple. I have also never six-packed a woman...you know, professionally. I also have not given a dude a hand-job. One thing you must know about men is that if they're not gay, callused, lumberjacky hands probably won't work. The guy most likely won't "arrive", as they say. Happily, there went my career as a nude massage girl.

Women would never pay to massage a guy. Never. No woman would spend her money - a hundred dollars for half an hour! - to massage some hairy dude. Imagine the insults hurled at the guy! "Why do you have the back of a wookie but the dick of an ewok?" "What sort of satanic, cross-species inbreeding accident are you the result of?" "Dr. Moreau called - he wants you back on the island by sunset."

It only makes me want to find a way to earn more money. If women are making a hundred dollars per half hour to get massaged (that annoys me just writing it), I can make money somehow. I'll keep you posted.

P.S. - Almost at a thousand hits! Thanks and I hope you keep enjoying.

1 Barbaric Yawps:

At 14/1/06 2:01 am, Blogger freethoughtmom said...

but pity the poor (rich?) woman, it's those wookies touching *her*.... ewwww, I just got the creeps! Good luck with your job hunt.

 

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