The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Must I Shrive?

So here we are on what is celebrated by many as Shrove Tuesday (or as the folks in N'Orlaans say, "Mardi Gras" - "fat Tuesday"). That time before you give up something special for 40 days - no, not sex, weirdo...unless you're addicted and require help - when you confess your sins, or "shrive", then have a big 'ol feast.

The feast, of course, was to use up the stuff you weren't supposed to eat during Lent (the aforementioned 40 days). No eggs, no "milky" substances, and no cheese. Fats and the like were right out. Because all this stuff, plus a little flour, could make pancakes quite nicely, we get Pancake Day!

This is all going to lead into a nice little Easter post in approximately...well...I'd say around, oh, forty days. But for now, tomorrow my friends I shall have a fantastic breakfast of pancakes and bacon and eggs. You know, just so I can reinforce to my cat that I'm not "one of those folks".

He takes note of those things. Bastard.... Maybe I'll slip a little bacon fat into his morning dish of food just so he's not able to be claimed either. There's the rub.

Monday, February 27, 2006


Here's a pic of me (well, my eyes, really) after my very cold day of ice fishing. Actually, it should have more accurately been called "ice-standing". Yes, I know that I look like an Arctic Ninja, so don't bother mentioning it. Fun with family, but man we should really move to a better climate...

My HTML code blows mangy, cancer-ridden dogs if you can't see this image

Rev. Fred Phelps is a Huge Queen

I have had it explained to me. It was so obvious once I heard it that it was like the answer to a riddle I just happened to have a mind-block on, then the 8 year-old next to me said the solution out loud. Here it is.

Read along friends. If I may paraphrase the great Bill Hicks:

"Anyone that far to the right is hiding a very deep, dark secret, you do know that, right? I'm an armchair psychologist but anyone that far to the right - you know when Fred Phelps finally dies - he's going to commit suicide first of all in a washtub out back underneath a pecan tree, he's going to slash his wrists and he's gonna write in blood, 'I've been a bad boy' - but you know they're going to find the skins of young children drying in his attic, swarms of horseflies going in and out of the eaves, and on CNN, over and over, his wife going 'I always wondered about Fred's collection of 'man magazines'...."

It just all clicked into place. Sometimes things just make sense.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Pareidolia with a Perfect Title

Oh man, this is too good. Check out this article and it's way amusing headline. I can only hope that the newspapaper did this on purpose. Doubtful, but one can dream, can't one?

Fuck off with your blurry Jebus on a piece of sheet metal. Like Denis Leary said about the Virgin Mary, "Look, she has a big enough budget - if she was going to show up, it wouldn't be on a fuckin' blueberry muffin..."

I'm going to get "pareidolia" and its definition printed on t-shirts and sell them. Mostly in the southern States and Mexico. I expect to be rich by this time next year.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Don Knotts

Sadly, Don Knotts died on Friday night of lung cancer at 81. You can read a brief bio/obit here.

Knotts made me laugh many a time, mostly as Mr. Furley on Three's Company. Not too many of my friends have gone through their lives without doing the "cheeks sucked in, elbows tucked, karate chop hands" pose of a fight-ready Ralph Furley. I'm not old enough to have seen his Emmy-winning work on the Andy Griffith Show, but I do remember him and Tim Conway in The Apple Dumpling Gang and seeing him in clips doing the "nervous sweating man" on The Steve Allen Show (copied obviously by Martin Short on SCTV).

It's a sad week, friends, but let's have a laugh for Mr. Knotts. It's what he would have appreciated. Check out the Don Knotts Shrine for more info on a man who had a great life in comedy.

"This is your weekend with Rape-Daddy."

I saw this article as a link over at God is for Suckers today and just have to comment.

I am presently reading the book Freakonomics and there is a section where the "rogue economist" notices that, contrary to the popular wisdom at the time, the crime rate went down significantly when it was predicted widely that it would rise. Why was that?

After looking in some rather odd places for statistics, it was found that Roe v. Wade was brought to pass some 16 or so years earlier. See, people who have abortions are generally poor, inner-city folks who often have troubles at home (indeed, if they have a home at all). These types of households are the places where criminals generally tend to spawn from, so by making abortion legal and safe, these future criminals werent' being born in the first place in many cases. The women who knew they couldn't take care of the kids would terminate the pregnancy and that ended a life of abuse and neglect and eventual crime before it started.

Subsequently, when these "criminals" would have been in their formative badass years, they were conspicuously not committing crimes. Thus the crime rate dropped and the politicians gave credit to better policing techniques (which was not the case as revealed by an analysis of that variable).

It might be a good line of arguement against these weirdos who want rape victims to be forced to have the horrifying reminder of a violent attack or incestuous father-asshole kicking around for the rest of their lives (or even deal with the rapist as a potential joint parent...fuck me...).

There better be a serious pro-choice movement ready to speak out loudly in the United States, and soon. Expose the faulty logic that the religious are using to support their "pro-life" (which is a stupid name - like Bill Hicks said, " what does that make me? Pro death?" Everyone is pro-life and pro-choice - it's pro- or anti-abortion that is the problem. Say what you mean and stop twisting language) agenda.

Good luck, we'll be helping up here.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Bruce Hart

Mr. Hart was the man who, along with Joe Raposo and Jon Stone, wrote the music and lyrics to the Sesame Street theme song. He died on Tuesday at the age of 68 in Manhattan of lung cancer. One last time, let's all sing in our heads, shall we...

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame Street

Come and play
Everything's A-OK
Friendly neighbors there
That's where we meet

Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Street

It's a magic carpet ride
Every door will open wide
To Happy people like you--
Happy people like
What a beautiful

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame street...

How to get to Sesame Street

How to get to...

Today's blog was brought to you by the letters "s", "a", and "d", and the number "1".

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Hmm...No Riots in New Zealand

The Catholic Church in New Zealand made a request to the people - don't watch the "Bloody Mary" episode of South Park when it aired. Sadly for the church, the show got more than six times its normal audience. Nicely done.

I have to say, if you're a weirdy religious group and you are upset that someone is mocking your weirdy religious beliefs, then you might want to take protest lessons from the Catholics in N.Z. There was no rioting, not one death, and no burnt American embassy. Just a prayer protest where some folks said the rosary and some prayers to, you know, help the creators realize how mean they are. Oh, and in a nice twist, the The Federation of Islamic Associations in N.Z. also protested. Good job, people.

See, even if you are a weirdy religious group, you don't have to be a crazy group. Muslims around the world should watch this episode and realize that they have it pretty fucking good around the world as far as being picked on because of their asinine beliefs.

Religion and After-School Specials

I figured it out. I only figured it out because I am a child of the 80's and got to watch the cheesiest After-School Specials ever. I will now explain religion and why it is so entrenched in our society.

Remember the after-school specials where the kid sucked at basketball or whatever and was just barely staying on the team but his one loser friend kept encouraging him and his wizened old grandpa always had a kind word? Then something happened like the "jock assholes" taped him to a wall in the girls washroom so he missed practice and the captain of the girls volleyball team was traumatized that he was in there at all. Then he's so upset that he's almost off the team for missing practice (he doesn't want to tell the coach that he got taped to a wall, after all) that he decides to just quit.

Of course, the wizened old grandpa gives the kid a talkin' to and hands him a "special magical ring" that has the power to make you fly or be invisible or something. In this case, it's to make you a fabulous athlete.

So the kid begs the coach to be let back on the team but the coach goes, "You have to beat these three jock assholes in successive games of 1 on 1 to prove you've been practicing and are good enough." The kid then dramatically puts on the ring and proceeds to become Michael Jordan and lay a whooping on the jock assholes, impressing the coach enough to be put back on the team. The kid is a believer in the power of the ring!

Then the final game approaches against the bad-ass inner-city team of all black kids who look really tough. Just before the game, the kid loses the ring down the toilet and it's gone. He's super bummed and wants to go home, abandoning his team, but wizened old grandpa shows up to say that the ring was a cheap old dime-store ring from about five years ago. The good player was inside of him along, the ring was nothing.

Finally to the game and the kid, with a renewed sense of self-confidence, plays like a champ garnering the respect of the jock assholes and the tough inner-city black kids. He smiles at his wizened old grandpa in the stands and he gives the thumb's up as he's lifted into the air by his teammates. And....freeze-frame! Happy ending.

Now, religion is just like the useless ring. It's used in the early stages of life to make people believe that they need it to be super (you can go to this fabulous place when you die, miracles are possible...). The difference is that with religion, there's no wizened old grandpa that comes along one day to say, "hey, it's all you...the ring is shit." People keep religion on their finger like a magical ring, never realizing how silly it looks. We want to say, "Take some credit for your life being pretty great! Give that doctor some credit for saving your mom's life when she had breast cancer! It wasn't a miracle, it's all right here!"

Seemingly the problem in society is that the wizened old grandpa is actually two different groups. The grandpa who gives the ring is the creepy, child-molesting control freak church (or the parents who have worn their rings forever - but it starts with the church), while the grandpa who tells people they have the goods themselves are the scientists and critical thinkers. Sadly, the people who have rings on their fingers are WAY too attached to them and old, creepy, child-molesting grandpa has no interest in losing the power he has over the believers.

So we're perpetually stuck in that scene in the locker room where the kid has the ring hovering over the toilet. He still believes but is seconds away from losing it and grieving, finally being consoled by good grandpa. If only bad grandpa didn't have an endless supply of those damn ol' cheap-ass, dime-store rings....

We have to push to progress towards the happy ending where we all know we have the power to be great and work as a team. We can all function together - jock assholes, losers, Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers, richies, they all adore him...sorry, slipped into Ferris Bueller's Day Off there... There's no need for invisible wanna-be miracle workers among us. We can be in that freeze-frame of happiness, all we have to do is be there to talk to the folks who lose their rings.

We'll help. Promise.

Code or Censorship?

In the post below, either my HTML sucks and I don't know how to do a link, or someone is censoring my blog to not show a picture of a ceramic angel with a candle on her head and the wax dripping oh-so-suggestively onto her face like Peter North's dick was a hose and her face was a brush fire.

I'll describe photos. I'll do it. Don't even think I'm done.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

You're Offended by Those Cartoons?

Here is the first in a new series I'll be posting - offensive pictures regarding religion. All religions. (ahem)Photo number one: the Money-Shot Angel....
Ron Jeremy Meets an Angel


Tell Me Again About Religion and Peace...?

While surfing for news today I came across this bit of unpleasantness from Nigeria. Seems the fallout from the Cartoons of Death is still raining, except now it's the backlash to the backlash.

Since the Muslim freaks rioted and killed a bunch of people and burned 30 churches in response to cartoons in a newspaper thousands of miles away, the Christian freaks have now come out from under the woodwork (or dirt floors and rocks, I assume) to kill some Muslims and burn some mosques.

As George Carlin once said, "...any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other, I'm a happy guy!" The sad part is that kids and people who have no part in their stupid beliefs or angers are getting caught in the crossfire.

Here's an interesting parallel: when two gangs start shooting up a neighborhood over "turf" or "colors", and some kid walking home from band practice or soccer gets killed by a stray bullet, people freak out. They say that the death was needless and stupid. There is outrage, and rightfully so. The reasons gangs fight are as retarded as how the 130lb "gansta" looks in those size 7X pants.

Why is there not international outrage about children getting blown up because a non-existant man in the sky might be "offended" by fucking drawings? Where are the editorials in the Times or the Journal or the major magazines saying what many of us know - religion is a neurological virus that preys on the poor, gullible, and ignorant.

Don't even get me started about Fred Phelps. I'm as against the "war" as anyone who remembers the reason Bush wanted to go into Iraq is (W.M.D., indeed), but picketing the funerals of soldiers because "God is punishing the United States for harboring homosexuals"? That's top-shelf delusional. That's delusional like an evil Shirley MacLaine or something. Why is it that someone cool like Bruce Lee can have an aspirin and die, and this douchesucker lives on and on as if he were some titanium Energizer Bunny of hate? You'd think supposedly "bad-ass" bikers would stomp Phelps into the dirt just for the fun of it - hell, they stomped Hunter S. Thompson. I bet Freddy getting the toes put to him would garner fabulous ratings on Pay-Per-View.

Outrage, people. If some idiot was killing people because the Tooth Fairy was "disrespected in popular culture", he or she would be called insane and jailed for a very long time. Because the delusion of "god(s)" is so widespread among the population, we overlook the craziness of it - we need to knock that shit off and start getting angry. Not out-of-control angry, but angry enough to post on blogs, write to newspapers and magazines, and talk frankly about the virus that is religion and the damage it's doing to our world.

Ontario Faith-Based Schools

Since Confederation, Ontario Catholic schools have been guaranteed funding. This has, over time, irked people of other faiths who do not receive money from the government to teach their kids in the manner of their particular beliefs. Apparently, this needs to change.

The new Conservative government here has said that they will include funding for "faith-based" schools, likely in the form of vouchers or tax credits. This has made people in religious minorities happy - one group has said:

"Extending fairness to non-Catholic faith-based schools recognizes that faith-based schools provide good public value by producing good, responsible citizens in a manner that enhances Ontario's multicultural mosaic."

Yes, it is known that when children are taught to believe in an invisible man in the sky, they turn out "good" and "responsible". Public school kids turn out much the same way. The problem that people can't seem to wrap their heads around is that if you provide for one faith, you have to provide for all, and there's WAY too many faiths to give money to everyone.

Exactly what makes a faith? What if I'm a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Do I get a $3500 tax credit? How can they say no to me if I really believe that there's a Flying Spaghetti Monster who created the Universe? What if I'm a Jedi? There's as much "evidence" for these beliefs as there is for Catholicism or Islam or Judaism.

Either you fund every nut-job who thinks up his own religion (I'm talking to you, L.Ron), or you leave uncritical thinking and superstition to the individual churches, synagogues, mosques, spaghetti bowls, and Jedi temples. Learn about creation myths and "morals" on your own dime, learn about evidence and facts in secular, non-discriminating public schools. The only way to keep everyone equal is to leave religion out.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Darwin Day

Although technically on February 12, Darwin Day is on its way to, hopefully, being a national holiday - ideally across the world, as his ideas effect how we still practice science. His evolution through natural selection is the dominant scientific idea with respect to biological research out there today.

Sure, there's "controversy" with respect to how things evolve (gradualism vs. punctuated equilibrium, for example), but there is no real controversy as to whether or not evolution happened. Those who say it is wrong or doesn't exist have their heads in the sand, or up their asses.

Obviously it's a slow posting weekend. I went ice-fishing yesterday and it was...what's the term..."fucking cold". Had I known about the Darwin Day celebration, I would have raised a glass to the man. Sadly, I will now wait until next year and organize a party of some sort. Anyone in the area is welcome to come.

That's all I have for today. Rock on.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Mormans - Bzzzt, Sorry But You're Wrong

The 175 year old Morman teaching that Native American Indians were descended from Middle Eastern Hebrews has been shown to be wrong.

I never knew how inherently racist the Morman creed is. Check this out, from the article:
The God-fearing Nephites were 'pure' (the word was officially changed from 'white' in 1981) and 'delightsome.' The idol-worshiping Lamanites received the 'curse of blackness,' turning their skin dark...(I)f the Lamanites returned to the church, their skin could once again become white.
(Emphasis mine)

Apparently being a "Lamanite" and being able to be saved or whatever is a "big sell" used by Morman missionaries to convert brown people to their weird-ass faith. Now that scientific evidence has shown key elements to be wrong, we have the classic faith rational of, "It's not that Mormons are not curious...(T)hey just don't see the need to reconsider what has already been decided."

Sorry, "decided"? That's like "deciding" that my new internet friend is a woman and, even after discovering through photographic evidence and police reports that my "friend" is a male stalker, deciding to keep treating "her" as a woman. You can't just "decide" to believe something that is absolutely proven to be different from your silly-ass thoughts. Do you hear me, ID people? Fundamentalists? Please take note.

In case you missed the South Park episode, Mormans believe, in part, that an angel named Moroni led Joseph Smith in 1827 to a divine set of golden plates buried in a hillside near his New York home. That's right. And the plates were written in "reformed Egyptian" and came complete with special glasses and a "seer stone" so Smith could read the plates. Sort of like 3-D glasses, only he was the only one who could use them.

Once again, the mental disorder of faith is rearing its head. This case also shows how most religions will look at another faith and dismiss it as strange and wrong, but fail to see the similarities in their own systems and books. We seriously have to get over this faith thing....

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

You're Dead to Me

Taking inspiration from The Colbert Report, I have decided today to take a small amount of action on the silly religion front. I heard on the news that a car bomb went off in Iraq, killing four children on their way to school. This is one of many bombs that have killed inumerable people over the years, but this one just pushed me over the edge. So as of today, Islam is dead to me. People will no longer get the soft treatment from me with respect to "moderate" statements or coming out in defense of the victims of violence. If you consider yourself a Muslim, you shall be challenged.

Don't think it's just Islam that's on my list. I'm officially declaring Christianity dead to me as well. It is the supernatural mindset that leads to retarded thinking, and retarded thinking leads to not thinking at all, which leads to controlled people doing violent shit over...oh I don't know...cartoons.

Judaism is also dead for being involved in the whole "holy land is ours because God says so" shit. Killing people over stupid shit like that makes you soft in the head. I can't stand soft-headed people saying that their "special little guy" is mad about some perceived slight.

You are all going to be called on your bullshit, so get ready or don't bring it up.

Small Funny

Normally not what I'd post, but this just makes me laugh.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

BodyWorlds II

Last night, because I have the best wife in the world, I got to go see Bodyworlds 2 at the Ontario Science Center. Being a massage therapist, it was a phenomenal display of anatomy and the human body. Seeing how we're put together is at once a humbling and awe-inspiring experience.

One of the displays was a gentleman who had hexadactyly. For those of you not up on the geeky medical terms, that means that this person had six fingers and six toes on each appendage. Go go Gadget limbs! It was neat to see "flawed" genetics for all to check out. You know, if there was a God, he'd be a goof. "Perfect" people have five fingers and toes. Well I'm sorry, but some people even have tails, which means I don't have to drone on about the plantaris muscle or other boring-ass crap that's only interesting to a geek like me. There are no gods kicking around in the space above our heads, just us on this little blue/green marble.

If you get the chance to see Bodyworlds I, II, or III, do yourself a favor and check it out. You won't be sorry.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

G.B. Trudeau and the Cartoons

The creator of Doonsbury, Mr. Trudeau has gotten involved in the on-going debate and has said that the muslim cartoons are "unnecessarily inflammatory". He was asked the following question:

Will you be including any images of the Prophet Muhammad in upcoming cartoons?
...and he answered:

No. Nor will I be using any imagery that mocks Jesus Christ.

Ok G.B., but if you're so sensitive, why did you do this comic that obviously offends fundamentalist christians who believe in Intelligent Design? Are some religions fair game and others not? Is the fun-poking relative to the amount of violence you expect as a reaction? And please don't demean yourself by saying that you didn't use an image of Jesus - it's beneath you. An insult is an insult. I say your mom is a stupid bitch, or I draw a caricature of her as a female dog running into a wall, it's the same thing.

Either religion is a legitimate target for ridicule (because it makes no sense and encourages violence as a first response), or it isn't. Don't take both sides of the arguement.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Cartoons Link

Hey there. Just so I'm not the only one without a link to the muslim cartoons, they are located at the link below. If you haven't seen them, check 'em out. Over six million other people already have. Hardly worth beheading people and/or burning embassies. Enjoy.

Jesus in Court - Pt. II

From the "we knew it was too good to be true" department, a judge in Italy threw out cranky old atheist Luigi Cascioli's case against his childhood playmate and now priest in which Cascioli charges the priest effectively lied to people in saying that Jesus lived. The case would be to have the priest prove the existence of said savior, but to quote the street kids, "it ain't happenin'".

Mr. Cascioli has said that he will appeal the case to the highest court in Italy and then to the Hague, but if you're waiting for people to take that strong a stance against religion, you might want to bring a book. I'm certainly not expecting an atheist-positive outcome, but hey, at least the guy had the nachos to bring the case about in the first place.

I think we should charge the Muslims too. Let's say they're lying to the world and have no proof that any of their make-believe people hangin' with Simon's Drawrings actually existed either. Of course, if we did that, they'd get insulted at the "offense against Islam" and burn places and behead people. No real sense of "rational debate" there, is there?

How about this as a start: We (non-muslims) won't expect you (muslims) to do what we do or read what we read - you won't have to wear thongs or watch shitty tv; in return, we won't have to follow your rules - we draw whatever we want, we eat what we want, we make statues of what we want, and if our wives/girlfriends/daughters get raped or have sex, we won't kill them. Deal?

Let's set a precedent: get some proof that your "special little guy" actually did something worth worshipping before you start killing people for him/her/it. That'd be swell. Yeah, I know...let your breath out.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Get Well Soon, James Randi

Best wishes for a speedy recovery to a personal hero, James Randi. People don't get better than him.

Muslims, Hindus, The Aristocrats, and the Art of the Insult

I just bought The Aristocrats, the documentary about a particularily foul joke, by Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza. I saw it in the theatre (alone, as my wife would not have enjoyed it, thus decreasing my enjoyment) and laughed my ass off, vowing then and there to make it a part of my home collection. If you don't like comedy, don't see it. If you like comedy, don't see it. But if you love comedy, check it out. Actually, if you're into comedy enough, you will have already seen it and have no need of me.

For those of you not fans of comedy, a large part of it is pushing boundaries. Using language to entertain, insult, offend, and oftentimes shock people is commonplace and comics absolutely love to find a new way to say something in a more non-conventional way.

Of course, not everyone likes it. That's part of its joy. Saying that you enjoyed The Aristocrats instantly puts you on a list of people I'd probably enjoy hanging out with. It's a barometer of taste and sense and if you get offended by this movie, I will, guaranteed, offend you with something I say or do during the next week or so. Maybe in the next few minutes.

While watching the DVD and the extra material, I was struck at how easily offended so many people and groups are around the world. Look at the Muslims now, burning buildings and threatening to behead people over cartoons. Hindus are once again losing their minds over a depiction of something they consider holy. It is so stupid that it doesn't even make sense to try to make it make sense.

Seriously, it's a picture. In the movie, when a pregnant female comic talks about being fucked in the ass on stage and the unborn baby blowing the guy inside her, it's funny. Yes, it's rude and yes it's what most people would consider out-of-bounds, but that is precisely why it's funny. It's why kids in the fourth grade tell "dead baby" jokes.

"What's the difference between loading a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?"
"You can use a pitchfork on the dead babies."

That is what fundamentalists do not understand - if you have rules for your life that you obey, fine. You aren't allowed to make images of your "prophet", great - don't do it. If you have been offended by a joke or you don't use "vulgar" language, don't see The Aristocrats and don't tell dead baby jokes. That's your option. But don't ever tell me that I can't do those things.

You live by your rules, don't try to make other people follow them. Oh, and the irony of calling yours a "religion of peace", then getting offended by cartoons that portray you as terrorists and psychos, then reacting to said cartoons by acting like terrorists and psychos, is not lost on us.

Stop being such pussies. All of you. Have some pork, have some cow, drink a beer, fuck a woman, fuck another guy, fuck a donkey, take off the turban and the burkha, and re-fuckin'-lax. The sun will come up tomorrow after we all call your particular god a pube-sucking toddler-fucker with a small dick and gout. Seriously. It will.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Follow-Up - Muslim's Freak As Expected

Well, it has started. In what could be seen coming by Ray Charles' dead eyes, freaked out Muslims in Syria (surprise) have set fire to the Danish and Norwegian embassies. Over cartoons.

Flags with "No God but Allah, Muhammad is his prophet" were flown, likely with no rainbows or doves anywhere in sight, from these people from the "religion of peace." It's hard for me not to absolutely spaz here about the lunacy of burning buildings and threatening to behead people for making a joke or insult. Fuck, if the Dean Martin roasts were still being done, these douchebags would be on the warpath constantly (sadly, much like right now).

Ah yes, and the Vatican (so, the Pope, I guess) finally said that although violence is not the answer, some things equate to "unacceptable provocation", whatever the fuck that means. Perhaps cartoons. Pope Benny also gave us this nugget: "The right to freedom of thought and expression ... cannot entail the right to offend the religious sentiment of believers..." Really? So freedom of expression doesn't cover making fun of silly-ass beliefs? Fuck you. If you don't want Garfield making jokes at your expense, stop talking about ridiculous shit (like "virgin births", "miracles", riding to Heaven on a goddamn horse, and 72 virgins [or white raisins if you want another view]).

You just wait to see the friggin' cartoons and late-night monologues and comic material that will come out of this bullshit.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Toon Freak

Well here comes another series of fatwas. These cartoons are making Muslims freak out because they feel insulted. Boo hoo. They're not allowed to make a pictorial representation of "the prophet", so when artists were asked to draw how they see Muhammad and drew the images on the link, Muslims, um, how shall I put it...lost they fuckin' minds.

Now, the Islamic zealots and dipshits (some of whom probably haven't even seen the fucking drawings) are picketing the Danish embassy in London with signs saying stupid shit like, "behead the one who insults the prophet" and "free speech go to hell". Nice. You wonder how people are supposed to negotiate shit that actually matters with these people, let alone the response to the "insult" of drawing a fucking cartoon. "Free speech go to hell"? - how about you go to some dark corner of Siberia for being such a fucking pussy that a drawring (as Simon in the Land of Make-Believe would say) of your special little guy gets you all worked up into a frothy lather (which a lot of you probably need anyway).

I have a t-shirt that has a caricature of Jesus on the front with the words, "Jesus is my homeboy" under him. I have seen a shirt that has a cartoon of Christ on the cross, winking and giving the thumb's up, with the caption, "Jesus did it for the chicks". On the Simpsons, Homer said to Apu (a devout Hindu) about his statue of Ganesh, "Geez Apu, when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whiz." I can't count how many "cheap", "penny-pinching" Jew jokes or references I've heard. So what the fuck makes Islam above reproach? "Behead the one who insults the prophet"? See, that is what makes religion bad. Right there, in a nutshell. Absolutely no sense of humour at all.

You may not be right, Sayhid. Ever think of that? You have to live with us on this little blue-green ball, so you all better learn to chill the fuck out and handle your silly-ass, irrational, violent, asinine beliefs in a manner that allows you to co-exist.

Retards. You should all get padded turbans and ride on short suicide buses.

Seeing Red (String)

Ashton Kutcher, who I'd rather step into the Octagon with than write about, is in the peripheral news again. This time it is for being angry with the director of his new film for not allowing him to wear his little red string during filming. Check out the part where it says that he wore the fucking thing during the filming of Guess Who and subsequently cost the production $100,000 in digital imaging to erase it. What a complete retard.

You know, when I got married, I told my wife that I wanted a plain ring. I'm not a flashy, jewelry type fella, plus I'm a massage therapist so I can't wear the thing at work. She said that I should get something nice and special. Now, to her I said this: "It isn't the ring. I want to get a ring that I'll want to wear, but the ring doesn't mean anything. I'm not going to love you more with a sparkly diamond ring than I will with a plain one. It's a symbol, nothing more."

Yeah, romantic, I know. My point, however, remains - if you are serious about what you feel (even if it is some silly-ass "religion" endorsed by the chick who did Strip Tease and the other one with the pointy tits who gave a blowjob to an empty bottle), then the outward expression is irrelevant. It's your feelings that count.

Of course, you should always be able to see logic and reason, but let's not push Ashton too hard. It is his first day, after all. Don't work too hard on Punk'd, Kutch.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

The Good Days

I was going to post a ranting, raving diatribe (technically a verbal beatdown, but you get the point) about some aspect of alternative health or religion, but I just couldn't get motivated to do it. Life is pretty good these days and there's no real story out there blowing my balls around enough to comment on. Sure Britany is going to be on TV as a guest star and Dr. Phil is going to give love advice to Paula Abdul, but that's just not interesting. Nor is the "I'll do your show if you pump A Million Little Pieces because I have the movie rights" deal thingy that Jennifer Aniston did with Oprah.

Man, James Frey won't be able to get back on Oprah's good side if he shows up with the Pope for a driver and wearing the Queen of England as a cape. Not that I'm a fan of Oprah, but at least she had the guy on to bitch at him.

I'd also like to point out that a diet of chocolate, pepperoni, processed cheese, and Coke - even for just one day - will make you take a shit of such magnitude that it will exit your body, crawl out of the bowl, slap your wife across the face, then put on a cape and fly back to Krypton. Never again shall I eat that particular combination of foodstuffs. Learn from me, my children...