The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Friday Double Slap

Two items for Friday:

The first is that Noah's Ark has potentially been discovered on Mount Ararat in Turkey. Pardon me if I don't rev up my bible and start lassoing heathens with my rosary, but if you look at something big enough for a long enough time with the intention of finding something specific, you'll eventually find something that looks like what you're looking for. Take the stupid "face on Mars" as an example - there's no face there. Low res images showed that some of us pattern-recognizing humans interpreted a fuckin' hill as a sign of intelligent life. Brilliant!

Sadly, a lot of us know that there's barely intelligent life here on Earth, let along on frickin' Mars. The Thumpers know that Mr. Two-by-Two's flood-boat is supposed to have come to rest on Ararat, so anytime one of them sees something that looks vaguely like a boat, everyone freaks out.

Just so everyone knows, the Noah myth is probably a compilation of several other floodish stories, most notably one from around 2900 BC when the Euphrates overflowed its banks after a rare six-day thunderstorm. A Sumerian King named Ziusudra jumped his ass on a loaded barge and floated away, eventually grounding in the Persian Gulf. He then offered a sacrifice on top of a man-made hill (later mistranslated as "mountain") to the gods, thanking them for his life.

So sorry, you don't get the two-slice toaster, there probably was no Noah.

I'll bet no one follows up on this story to see what the hell is actually up on Ararat. Probably a rock shaped like Pauly Shores' nutsack.

Item two is Tennessee. It seems that the short-bus has made its way to the more southern states and is now freely giving out oppression rods for beating women into submission. Sen. David Fowler introduced a bill that is similar to the one recently passed and bitched about here in South Dakota. He was quoted as saying, "I regret this will cast me as being hardhearted, unsympathetic and unkind but that's not who I am..." No Dave, you don't seem hardhearted, you seem like a religious douchebag who is trying to push your ridiculous beliefs on everyone else.

I think, as Marcellus Wallace said, "I'm gonna call me a couple hard, pipe-hittin' niggas to go to work on the Holmes here with a pair of pliers and a blow-torch..." after anally raping him, of course. Guys like this make me so mad I can't even stand it.

Live your life, stay the fuck out of mine.

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