The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Monday, April 03, 2006

...All Leather Cow Interior and Big Brown Baby Seal Eyes for Headlights...

I believe that Pam Anderson knows everything. I also believe that if Lisa Simpson grew up in reality and was parented by David Hasselhoff and Lindsay Wagner, she'd be just like Pammy. Principled and loud with not a trace of actual substance anywhere, from surface perfect skin to the hollow soul that is controlled by Ingrid Newkirk's alien tentacle.

Pammy Two-Tits hosted the Canadian equal to the Grammys last night, the Junos, in my hometown, Halifax. By most accounts, she was as she always is: vapid, useless, and completely devoid of anything but a beluga tank's worth of saline. Do you think it would be possible to make her tit-skin transparent so that we could put Sea-Monkeys in there to watch? FOX would make a reality tv show about that in half a minute. The Sea Monkeys, that is.

Of course she brought up the seal hunt. When all you have is a one track mind and there's no chance of having sex with an over-the-hill "rockstar" anytime soon, you have to go back to your programming. It's like a bear going for a nice fillet of salmon and you clapping your hands. The bear will stop for a second and look at you, but the primary goal will remain "get the salmon". Pam said that she likes hockey and even a little blood on the ice, as long as it's a hockey rink, not seal brains on an ice floe. Something like that. She got booed and instantly changed the subject.

It would have been better if she did a Sinead O'Connor and just walked off the stage (and out of public life forever?! Please?! A guy can dream, can't he?). Nope, the maker of such cinematic classics as Barbed Wire made a comment about Seal not attending the show because he was scared of being clubbed to death. You have to be a genius to be able to use subtlety like that. Of course, when Jann Arden said that she wanted the audience to know that she was wearing a bra made entirely of seal eyelids, everything snapped into focus. Pam was just setting up Jann's joke! She was playing Dickie Smothers to Jann's Tommy! Genius!

Ok, enough of that. Whether you like the seal hunt or not, when you're the host of an award show, that's not the time to break out the sledge-hammer of political activity. It is painfully obvious that Anderson was chosen because of her tits and Canadian citizenship, but the woman can barely put a sentence together without spouting some innane PETA talking point. Aren't hosts supposed to be quick on their feet and, at the very least, eloquent? Pam belongs on a poster or in a stolen honeymoon video with a tattooed pee-noss in her cakehole, not on any sort of stage, in front of a live audience. Man, what were they thinking?

I know that Pam wants to be taken seriously and that she requested a meeting with Stephen Harper to talk about the hunt. Obviously, Harper didn't make the meeting. The thing is, if Pam wants to be taken seriously, maybe she should read all sides of the issue (read?) and then make up her mind so that she can intelligently discuss the pertinent points. See, once you get outside of Magic-Film-Land where people kiss your ass for no good reason, you actually have to possess some semblance of knowledge about your chosen pet project.

Imagine if you will, I want to discuss children's rights with the Children's Aid Society but the only "authority" I've talked to or read the opinion of is Michael Jackson. Think I'll get far? Yeah, I doubt it too.

PETA is disingenuous in their marketing/protesting by showing pictures of baby whitecoats, which are illegal to kill in the hunt and have been for some time now. They show video of sealers clubbing, which looks brutal - because it is. The same way the hamburger that you cook every weekend is slaughtered, so are the seals. The only difference is that the slaughterhouse is behind closed doors and the hunt is out in the open. If you can't deal with hunting, don't do it. Don't want to wear fur, don't. The Canadian seal hunt is sustainable, humane, transparent, and environmentally conscious, unlike Pam's tits.

I would much rather see Jann Arden's bra.

0 Barbaric Yawps:

Post a Comment

<< Home