The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Creator of the Universe, Holder of the Light Heavyweight Championship of the World

Remember that old joke where "three guys" are playing golf and one guy makes all these miracles happen to get a hole in one, and it turns out that it's Moses, Jesus, and God playing? Well, it seems that golf isn't the only physical activity which the Big Guy enjoys partaking.

I'm flipping through the news stories of the weekend and I come across something that I considered rather odd. It seems that God, the Almighty Father of the Universe and the Creator of All that Is, is going to be wrestling Vince McMahon in an upcoming pay-per-view event. No indication as to how, exactly, the WWE is going to arrange God's appearance, but hell, I'm sure that all the trailer parks within a 50 mile radius will be sitting empty that night.

How do you have the balls to even aim for something like that? I mean, fuck. "Here's God, off the top rope, emulating Jimmy 'Superfly' Snooka, with the backflip slam! I don't think McMahon will be getting up from that, Bobby. Oh! And God is applying the Figure Four! This is a massacre..." Seriously, if it was guaranteed that the Lord Upon High would actually make an appearance and drop Vince, I might fork out the $40 to see it. Heck, just to tape the commentary and listen to it over and over would be hilarious.

"God with a right, and a right, and another right! He's got McMahon in the corner, right against the turnbuckle! McMahon turns around to throw a right of his own, but God turns his hand into a Nerf football! Oh, land's sake, Bobby, that's just not cricket! McMahon seems to be in shock, but now God has turned Vince's ass into an E-Z Bake Oven! Oh Heaven's to Betsy, God is eating fresh baked chocolate cookies out of Vince's Oven Ass! This is a match to go down in the books, friends!"

This little scheme is so potentially funny that I almost wish I worked for the WWE and could take at least partial credit for it. Maybe I'll start sending in scripts and see if maybe after God shows up to kick the muffins out of Vince, the Almighty would take an over-the-top battle royale match against Muhammad (the Iron Sheik?), Buddha (he's sort of like Kamala, the Ugandan head-hunter), L. Ron Hubbard (the Honkey-Tonk Man with red hair and Tom Cruise managing), and the king of the beasts, one lion.

I'd put my money on the lion.

1 Barbaric Yawps:

At 17/4/06 5:41 pm, Blogger Chad Lindsay said...

If we are going to get someone to fight as God...may I suggest Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees. I think he would be a great, jive talkin' representative.

But hey, if you ever doubted the intelagence (on purpose) of wrestling fans...


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