Wednesday Double Tap
First things first. The new Skeptic's Circle is up at Salto Sobrius. It's number 44, and just like Dirty Harry's gun, it'll put a pumpkin-sized hole in any of your silly bullshit, son. Check it out right now before I run out of patience.
Second things second. Paris never knew the monster she released.
Celebrity sex tapes surface now and again to titillate fans and raise revenue on porn sites. Usually they are of the celebrities you may, when you're in the mood, want to watch have sex.
You may say to yourself while sitting in front of your computer as Limewire downloads the green-tinged clip, "Paris Hilton is a stupid worthless whoreish waste of skin and hemoglobin, but perhaps she can give a great blowjob...(fade to black while the video is watched...fade back in to a bleak-eyed viewer staring sadly into the abyss)...nope, she apparently had the maid come in and suck off her previous boyfriends in a vain attempt to appear competent at something."
The bottom has officially been reached, however, and now I'm on the verge of converting and conceding that, as Seth Gecko says in From Dusk 'til Dawn, "...if there's a Hell...there's gotta be a Heaven." I now am on the tipping point of being able to say, yes, there is a Hell because Dustin Diamond - Screech from Saved by the Bell - has released a sex tape.
Apparently this foul tool of Lucifer shows Mr. Diamond "doing the deed", as it were, with TWO women. A ménage a trois. With fucking Screech in the middle. I may have to kill myself now for never having had a threesome. Kill myself violently. Perhaps with some sort of aesthetics instrument.
Over the top of this, there is a claim which says Diamond gives a Dirty Sanchez to one of the girls. Jesus fuck a monkey, I'm actually feeling a bit faint. Why not just Strawberry Shortcake one and Donkey Punch the other and be done with it?
You know the part that hurt me the most? More than the 3some and the freaky-deaky stuff? The tape is forty fucking minutes long.
The last time I had sex for forty minutes the Spice Girls ruled the pop charts and Pam Anderson was still a dainty, modest C-cup. I can still knock out a good half hour, but beyond that I'm risking some sort of permanent back injury or a heart attack that would make John Ritter proud.
I remember Diamond most recently from beating the living shit out of Horshack on the inappropriately named Celebrity Boxing, and for his internet campaign to save his house. His agent thinks the sex tape may be good for Screech's career and might make it easier to book him - you know, break away from that Screech image.
So to recap: Dustin Diamond bones TWO women at once, humiliates at least one by rubbing his post-anal Diamond-Hard across her upper lip, releases this tape, and now may be able to have a better career because of it.
Can we dig up Richard Dawson and do Running Man for real? Jesse Ventura would bite for sure and we could get Dog the Bounty Hunter to chip in as well. It's time to start thinning the "celebrity" herd.