The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Sometimes Democracy Sucks Ass

Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms
Part 1, section 2b
Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms: freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication;

Does everyone in Canada understand "freedom of expression"? I really don't think so. Stephen Harper's Conservative party is going to "reopen" the gay marriage debate" to a vote in the House of Commons near the end of the Fall session. It's the evangelical in him, I think (hopefully the evangelical "in" him isn't Haggard), that just can't accept that queer folks actually have equal rights in this country. It seems, however, that he knows he won't win any new ground:

"But the timing - at the tail end of the fall session of Parliament, with minimal debate - suggests the Tories may be tacitly admitting they don't have enough support among other parties to restore the traditional definition of marriage as a union of man and woman."

Why do another vote about this stuff? Actually, I'll go you one further and say why is this being debated at all, ever? If freedom of expression is true in this country, then you are allowed to be with anyone you want, and since the definition of "marriage" has been changed from "man and woman" already, that's the end of it. If you don't think gay folks should get married, then don't marry a fucking gay person.

See, the Charter, much like the U.S. Constitution/Bill of Rights, protects people from democracy. That's right, majority rule really isn't appropriate at all times because sometimes the majority have stupid fucking ideas like, oh, I don't know, not giving women the right to vote, or having separate drinking fountains for black people, or burning "witches".

There are things that everyone has the right to do and these documents protect those rights regardless of who happens to be in power positions. Stephen Harper and his conservative fucking friends need to realize that. Well, that and the fact that there's no man in the sky making up rules all the goddamn time.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

What Sort of Dining Set Defines Me as a Person?

You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you've got your sofa issue handled.
Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

This quote illustrates how most people feel about religion, I think. For the majority of us, we were brought up in the religion of our parents. This point has been made by others, but it bears repeating that Catholic parents raise Catholic kids (Richard Dawkins just rightfully shuddered), Hindus raise Hindus, Muslims raise Muslims, Jews raise Jews. The comfortable thing to do is to believe your parents about the ideas of a God/Creator (because why would you not believe them when you are a child?) and then never think about it again.

Some of us do think about it again, however. We think and check for ourselves, read the holy books and learn about science and nature. We come to the conclusion that the evidence for belief is scant and see that the evidence for a natural world with all its imperfections and blemishes, beauty and inspiration, tragedy and joy, is mountainous. We realize that it is much more likely that we created the gods instead of the other way around.

But this is not comfortable. We had to work for this understanding and we had to sacrifice much - sometimes friends, family, and the safe feeling of being special or cared for. At times, being an intelligent chimpanzee wearing sneakers that have lights in the heel, walking around on a blue/green speck of rock and water in a cold and unforgiving universe that cares not whether we live or die seems like a hopeless and bleak outlook for our lives. Why would a believer give up all they have for this?

Well, the above is a bit of a strawman I have constructed (all except the sneakers-with-lights bit). Is the universe cold? Yes. Uncaring? Not at all. "Uncaring" is an emotional description we would not use for rocks or mountains or clouds. The universe is a thing, not a being, therefore it just is. Most non-believers also do not live lives steeped in bleak hopelessness; quite the contrary. Our inspiration comes from understanding how things work, from marveling at the complexity achieved through the non-random forces acting on organisms, and on the amazing difficulty of the problems we have yet to comprehend.

Looking into space on a clear night can fill a non-believer with more awe and respect than any cathedral. Understanding that the satellites we see are actually falling towards Earth but the forward acceleration keeps them falling towards a surface curving away (i.e. orbit) boggles the mind. Literally looking back in time at the light from distant stars and galaxies brings about a sense of our miniscule place in the cosmos and how fortunate we are to occupy the couple of square feet we do.

These things are what make life so wonderful. Yes, we are small, but we are here. We work hard to make comprehensible the seemingly incomprehensible, but there are still many many dark areas. We are far away from understanding everything and we likely never will, but to the non-believer, this is what makes the journey of life so grand. Science, like evolution, works through gradual steps; making changes, adapting and mutating - sometimes helpfully, sometimes not so much. The non-helpful changes get found out and clipped off and the sensible ones get used and built upon in the future. The end result is deep knowledge and a staggering library of accumulated brain-power that explains so much about the world around us and the universe stretching out to the edge of our imaginations. As Richard Feynman explained about the flower, the more and deeper you understand something, the more beautiful you see that it is.

I once heard someone say that being comfortable is the enemy of progress and success. If you are comfortable, why work harder? If you have a house, a good job, the occasional vacation and a beer on Friday nights, why bust your ass to be a Nobel winner or solve the Riemann Hypothesis? There is no reason. Comfort in religion leads to the same sort of lax mental state: "Sure I know god is up there, I know because I have always known. Now don't ask me any probing questions because I'll put my fingers in my ears and sing 'lalalalalalalala'." Strawman again? Perhaps, but I would argue that it is the non-thinking comfort in the god belief, against all rational sense, that is the enemy of our progress as a species towards Reason. We must let religions and their fictitious figureheads go. To finish with an altered quote from Fight Club:

Rationality and Reason is - The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide. Let's let religion slide.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Douchepak Chumpra Rides Aga....Oh Who The Fuck Cares?

Douchepak Chumpra has a new rant up over at HuffPo, but I can't even bring myself to rebutt any more of his stupid-ass, old, already-been-done "arguments". He takes a reaming in the comments from pretty much everyone. Reading those are a more effective use of time than reading his tripe.

How many times do you have to tell a new-age "guru" that evolution isn't random?

Until he gets wins a Nobel Prize in physics.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Big 48

Well, it's over. With death hovering over, the last will and testament at decorabilia is spewing forth some great blogging from the last two weeks. Go check it out.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Oooohh...Atheists Are The Bad Guys After All

There's this writer named Dinesh D'Souza who holds something called the Rishwain Fellowship at a place called the Hoover Institution. He wrote an article I'd like to discuss for a sec, if I may.

He says that atheists like Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins are mistaken when they blame religion for the huge amounts of deaths and murders and atrocities in the past and that it really is atheism that holds the record for bodies piled up. Particularily for slaughters in "the last few decades". He brings up the usual suspects:
In the name of creating their version of a religion-free utopia, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Mao Zedong produced the kind of mass slaughter that no Inquisitor could possibly match.

Well, that's true, but likely only because of advanced technology - you know, better ways of killin' folks. And I would disagree that these asshats were trying to achieve a "religion-free utopia".

D'Souza seems to be another in the getting-ever-longer line of people who are criticizing Harris and Dawkins without ever reading their books. I mean, Dawkins in The God Delusion has a section on this exact subject. Not to mention that Hitler's atheism is quite suspect. Dawkins himself cites from Mein Kampf on page 273 of Delusion where Hitler says, "I sank down on my knees and thanked Heaven out of the fullness of my heart for the favour of having been permitted to live in such a time", when he heard about the declaration of WWI. There are numerous other examples of Hitler's religious nature, but quite frankly, it's irrelevant.

D'Souza continues:
Moreover, many of the conflicts that are counted as "religious wars" were not fought over religion. They were mainly fought over rival claims to territory and power.

Sure, but many of them used religion as a motivating force for the soldiers. That's the point Dawkins and Harris are making. Even if the wars/conflicts aren't explicitly about religion, they are made more deadly because people either aren't afraid of dying (because there's a "better place beyond this") or are convinced that they are right and that god is on their side, therefore killing the foe is fine because the creator of the universe is our buddy and he says it's ok.

Dawkins and Harris cannot explain why, if Nazism was directly descended from medieval Christianity, medieval Christianity did not produce a Hitler.

Sure they can - because it did produce a Hitler: Pope Urban II who started off the First Crusade. The Christian warriors cried, "Deus vult!" or "God wills it!" while they did their killing. Did they kill as many as Hitler did? No, but they also didn't have gas chambers. Maybe I'm just better at using Google than D'Souza.

He finishes with this ludricrous bit:
Using the latest techniques of science and technology, man seeks to displace God and create a secular utopia here on earth. Of course if some people - the Jews, the landowners, the unfit, or the handicapped - have to be eliminated in order to achieve this utopia, this is a price the atheist tyrants and their apologists have shown themselves quite willing to pay. Thus they confirm the truth of Fyodor Dostoyevsky's dictum, 'If God is not, everything is permitted.'

...The indisputable fact is that all the religions of the world put together have...not managed to kill as many people as have been killed in the name of atheism in the past few decades.

Ok, my problem with this guy is that he's talking about shit that is dealt with in the books he is criticizing, making it fairly obvious that he either didn't read them or read and didn't understand. Again from Delusion on pages 272-3, Dawkins says, Even if we accept that Hilter and Stalin shared atheism in common, they both also had moustaches, as does Saddam Hussein. So What?...What matters is not whether Hitler and Stalin were atheists, but whether atheism systematically influences people to do bad things.

Exactly, Rich. Not too many people have been killed "in the name of atheism". Atheists have killed folks - certainly Stalin - but he did it because he wanted power and control (and in his later years he was a bit of a paranoid crazy person). A lot of people have been killed in the name of religion. The fact that D'Souza either is ignorant of this or chooses to avoid the issue makes him come off as a disingenuous prick.

Oh, and the Dostoyevsky bit? That's just plain stupid. As Michael Shermer says in The Science of Good and Evil (also referenced in Dawkins' Delusion): "If you agree that, in the absence of God, you would 'commit robbery, rape, and murder', you reveal yourself as an immoral person, 'and we would be well advised to steer a wide course around you.' If on the other hand, you admit that you would continue to be a good person even when not under divine surveillance, you have fatally undermined your claim that God is necessary for us to be good." So morals exist regardless of god(s). Thanks for coming out, dipshit. Enjoy your fellowship.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Men Get a Hard-On, Women Get a Wide-On: It's All For World Peace

I just read that a couple in California want you to come. Well, actually, cum - for peace.

They are saying that everyone should, on December 22, stay home and either fuck or get off while thinking about world peace. Paul Reffell, the male half of the couple, was quoted as saying, "'The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace during it and after it...your mind is like a blank. It's like a meditative state. And mass meditations have been shown to make a change."

First off, I don't think I could even get a hard-on while thinking about world peace. It's just not sexy to me. "Oh yeah, give that starving African some food...fuck yeah, UN rations...put down those guns, big boy...stop kidnapping and murdering journalists and civilians...that's so fucking hot! I'm almost there! Yes!"

Jesus-fuck-a-monkey...that's so unsexy I think my femur just went limp.

Donna Sheehan (no, nothing to do with Cindy) once got 50 women together to get naked and spell out the word "peace". You know, if anything is going to make the psychotic and fundamental religious weirdos of the world calm down and think about peace, it's a bunch of naked women lying around in public. Crazed Islamic warriors love that sort of thing. Doesn't make them think about killing us at all.

Also, call me a skeptic, but I don't think that mass meditation will have any effect towards world peace. Not even 6000 liters of cum will really do anything productive towards ending the conflict in Iraq or to get Israli and Arab leaders to sit and have a social cup of tea. When I looked up "mass meditation", I didn't find any study that showed a significant effect. I did find an article from February of this year that told of a Swami who organized 3000 school children to meditate for world peace. How well do you think that worked out? Ever try to get 3000 kids to do anything together? Good fucking luck. And I notice that there's no real change in the state of the thanks for nothing.

I'm sure meditation makes you feel good and calm down. It seems to me to be much like a good massage, only the solo version. Actually, since you should be able to feel good regardless of the intent, have yourself a great fuck or a fabulous jerk/rub off on December 22. What's the worst that could happen? Well, I suppose everyone in the western world would be home fucking and the terrorists will attack like goddamn Red Dawn, catching us, literally, with our pants down.

But come on, is there any better way to go?

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Georges St. Pierre Gives a Rush of a Kick to the Head

How happy am I? Very.

Some of the folks who read this blog on occasion may know that I'm a big fan of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Last night, a fighter from Montreal won the welterweight championship belt.
Georges St. Pierre
Georges "Rush" St. Pierre beat Matt Hughes with what the Frantics used to call, "a boot to the head", followed up with several punches and elbows until the ref stopped it. My buddies and I cheered and high-fived (because we'd never get in the ring - sitting around with chips and beer is as close to fighting we prefer) and I'm still on a bit of a "rush", if I may.

Watching St. Pierre come up in the UFC was great as his athleticism is just about unparalleled. Seeing him achieve the belt was fantastic. Congratulations to Georges (not that he'll ever read this, but hey, you never know)!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Muslims Are People Hudood Terrible Things

In the news recently was an article where Pakistan made amendments to the Hudood Ordinance of 1979, which is good because it's fucking barbaric. I mean, check out what it says the punishment is for adultery (zina, below) for a married person (muhsan, below) or a single person:
Section 5, subsection 2:
(2) Whoever is guilty of Zina liable to hadd (punishment as laid out in the Quran or Sunnah) shall, subject to the provisions of this Ordinance, -
(a) if he or she is a muhsan, be stoned to death at a public place; or
(b) if he or she is not muhsan, be punished, at a public place; with whipping numbering one hundred stripes.

Yeah, so if you're married and getting some nookie on the side, you get fucking stoned to death. Imagine Clinton's horror. The section on proving that rape or sex under false pretenses has occured (what they term zina-bil-jabr) is just as amazingly misogynistic and ridiculous:
Section 8:
Proof of zina-bil-jabr liable to hadd shall be in one of the following forms, namely:-
(a) the accused makes before a Court of competent jurisdiction a confession of the commission of the offence; or
(b) at least four Muslim adult male witnesses, about whom the Court is satisfied, having regard to the requirements of tazkiyah al-shuhood, that they are truthful persons and abstain from major sins (kabair), give evidence as eye-widnesses of the act of penetration necessary to the offence:

Provided that, if the accused is a non-Muslim, the eye-witnesses may be non-Muslims.

This is the oft-quoted ya-gotta-have-four-trustworthy-dudes-watch- you-get-raped-to-prove-it part of the legislation. How many times do honest, law-abiding men just hang out and witness some fucking dirtbag actually penetrate a woman? My guess is that it doesn't happen too often, but I've never been to Pakistan.

The best part of this - and by "best", I mean most horrifying for women - is that assuming she gets four guys to goddamn go to court for her, if any of them decide not to testify or changes his mind, she's fucked. Basically she's just confessed to having sex outside of marriage and as such, is subject to the punishment laid out above. Hopefully she's not married so she'll just get publically whipped a hundred times.

The amendments to the Hudood Ordinance thankfully made the death penalty go away as well as the floggings. Also, the changes allow judges to decide to try rape cases in criminal court as opposed to Islamic courts ('cause that's where the silly-ass "four guys who saw it" rule is applied). Sex outside of marriage stills carry a five year prison sentence, which would still be no joke for Mr. Ex-President Clinton.

Pakistani Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz said that the amendments were made in consultation with Islamic scholars, lawmakers, and human rights activists", so you know everyone's happy about them. Actually, Islamists stormed out of parliment in a fucking tizzy because of the apparent departure from Shar'ia law.

Ok assholes, hear this loud and clear: You are misogynists. You enjoy seeing women in lower social standing so you can exercise your pathetic excuse for a superiority complex. Your non-existant man in the sky seems to be WAY to fucking concerned about where your dicks are in relation to pussy and when YOU get out of hand and rape a woman, SHE gets punished with lashes or death. You are pansy little out-of-control woman-haters and you need to grow the fuck up.

That's all I have to say about that, for now.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Six Rules for the War on Christmas

It is now November 16th and that means that it's just about time to start my War on Christmas for '06. Here's the rules:

1. I will not put up lights, I will say "Happy Holidays" or "Enjoy the Solstice" to everyone, with no mention of any Christian icons.

2. I will ignore any stupid songs in stores and not deal with anyone in a Santa hat.

3. Christmas should not take more than two fucking weeks to celebrate. Anything that takes longer than that to psyche up for is a fake holiday.

4. I will not buy into consumer culture. There's nothing I need and will inform anyone who wants to buy me things of that fact.

5. Bill O'Reilly can go suck a cock.

6. Jesus isn't the "reason for the season" and wasn't born on Xmas day. Christian missionaries just made Jesus' birthday on the 25th of December so they could fuck up pagan ceremonies for the winter solstice and hijack them for Christianity. I say, hijack it back. Sir Isaac Newton was born on December 25th, so Merry Newton's Birthday, fuckers. Enjoy understanding physics 101.

7. I really try to not make more than six rules to follow.

There you go. I will now attempt to follow these guidelines for the next month and a half until Jebus goes away for another year. Join me in the war.

O.J. Simpson - You Fucking Did It

For a November sweeps stunt, FOX (who the hell else?) is running an interview with "Juice" so he can say how he would have killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman - if he did, which he didn't (sly wink).

O.J. seems to want to sell his stupid book of the same topic. "Why would he want to write and sell a book like that, Mike?" Glad you asked. He says he would like to regain, "in spades" as he put it, all the former glory he possessed. He'd like to return to acting (yeah, polish up that Oscar - you were great in Naked Gun 2 1/2, shitass) and sportscasting. I can see it now:

Chris: So, O.J., welcome back to broadcasting. Glad you picked today 'cause this game's gonna be great. Packers vs. Jets.

O.J.: Hell yes, Chris. Incidentally, when you pack a body on ice after you cut its head off, you should immediately jump on a jet to get the hell away! Ha!

Chris: Juice, that seems a tad insensitive. Also, what's that around your neck?

O.J.: Oh, I had a buddy of mine in SFX make a 1/2 real size latex severed head of Nicole that I now wear as a pendant, you know so the bitch is always close at hand.

I wouldn't be surprised if O.J. sent a signed copy of his book to Ron Goldman's dad, for fuck's sake. Classy.

It's been 10 years since Simpson walked away from the double murder charge and, frankly, I'm still Chris Angel Mindfucked (you know that was the original title of that show) over how he got away with it. Two dead bodies in his back yard, history of physical abuse, blood in your house and on your truck, his bloody footprint at the scene, he had both motive and opportunity, he ran from the police (in the most boring chase in recorded history)...fuck me, Miss Cleo could have predicted the trial's outcome.

And yet, money bought Johnny "Chewbacca Defense" Cochrane and a jury consisting of six sea sponges, two canteloupes, one perfectly cooked shrimp scampi, and three piles of hair that fell for every stupid-ass trick in the book and weren't able to understand what the lawyers were saying. They might as well have been speaking Sanskrit. I can just see the jury selection:

Cochrane - Ok, sir, do you know who O.J. Simpson is?

Jurer - Um...daaayiii...ain't he the motherfucker what sells them tv's out the backa his truck down on Sunset?

Cochrane - Your Honor, we'll take him.

Follow the money, friends. Chris Rock said it best: "If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't be O.J, he'd be 'Orenthal the Bus-Drivin' Murderer'."

If your company is thinking of sponsoring this cultural brown-bag-of-shit, please reconsider. Do you really want your product to be associated with a gloating douchebag ex-jock who happens to be the non-punchline to the worst kept in-joke of recent history? Unless your product is the FOX network itself, of course. Having O.J. on may actually raise their public image.

After his aquittal, we only ever saw O.J. on golf courses vowing, through eyes glazed over with thoughts of 19th hole ribs and blonde pussy, that he "wouldn't rest until the real killer" was brought to justice.

Damn man, where's an errant tee-shot when you need one?

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Browne at Chapters - Sadly There's No Heaven

Went to Chapters today to find Sylvia Browne's book, Christmas in Heaven. I was actually embarrassed to look for it and to be standing in the "Religion/Occult" section of the store with the wall in front of me filled to capacity with tomes by Deepak Chopra (one shelf down) and Browne herself. Sadly, the aforementioned book was not in stock - hopefully because it hasn't been brought in yet and not because all the copies were bought.

But Phenomenon was there, which is one of her other books consisting of a multitude of short entries on a wide variety of pseudonormal and paranormal topics. Sort of like the Skeptic's Dictionary, only if you're mentally retarded. Actually, I take that back - I've worked with many mentally retarded people and by and large they're quite nice and honest. Sylvia Browne is fucking repulsive on practically every level.

Her book has an entry on "gnomes". Yep, like the little stone fellas in your garden (well, hopefully not your garden, but you know what I mean). She said that they are real and live in the first level of the "Underworld", as opposed to being mythical or doing ads for Travelocity. So of course I had to go look up what she had to say about the "Underworld". This is the place, no foolin', where the "little people" live. I thought immediately about that family of dwarves on TLC's Little People, Big World, but no, she meant faeires, elves, leprechauns, and yes, gnomes. Oh, and in case you were wondering, this is also the place where unicorns live. Seriously - do people actually believe this so-called woman is for real? How do you think there are real unicorns in the "Underworld"? Can people who think this actually function in society? Being that stupid makes me wonder how they walk across a room without catching on fire or eating the furniture.

Those little folks should be pretty rich under there with all the oil and gas rights though....

Because the stupid-ass Heaven book wasn't there, I chose to don a pair of rubber gloves and pick up (as in to read, not buy) Deepak Chopra's book, Life After Death - the burden of proof and check it out. The first thirteen pages are endorsements by such luminous notable intellectuals as Arianna Huffington (who must have a crush on the guy as he posts blather on her website all the damn time), weirdyass Rupert Sheldrake, Russell Targ (who believes that fucking Uri Geller can really bend spoons - quick question, if Geller was bending metal with his mind, why not give him a piece that he couldn't bend with his a two inch length of rebar? That'd impress me), and of course, Richard Gere who as we all know is vying for a professorship at Douche U.

That's all I could read because my head started to hurt and I was a bit dizzy. Plus my brain had oozed out my right ear and had formed into a fist and was poised to punch me in the face. You just can't argue with that kind of logic. I had to go home and watch Richard Dawkins at Randolph-Macon Woman's College in Lynchburg, Virginia to make sure I was still mentally intact. You should watch it too, if only for the part where he tells the people from Jerry Falwell's "Libery U" to leave and go to "a proper university." It's classic.

Friday, November 10, 2006

The Browne Note

Sylvia Browne. The name alone makes me get a little icky feeling in my stomach. It seems she has a new book out called Christmas in Heaven that's all about, well, what Christmas is like in Heaven. Seriously. I guess Browne has a day-pass to get past the Pearly Gates.

On the editorial description says, "Questions such as 'Are there presents and the exchanging of gifts? Do heavenly spirits decorate? and How is Jesus honored? are discussed". There's gift exchange in Heaven?! Fuck! I can't stand gift exchanges. So does that mean there's work too? And school? Do we have to draw names and keep our gifts under $20? Will I have to buy a Life Saver book for my kid so his gift-buddy in grade three will be happy?

Do spirits decorate? Fuck me, I hope the answer is "no". If I have to crawl up on the roof to string goddamn christmas lights on my Heaven House, I'm gonna be pissed. What if I slip? Will I fall and break my femur? Can Jebus just fix me up? What if he's too busy helping the Minnesota Vikings beat the Saints that day?

How is Heaven different from life here on Earth again?

Sylvia Browne and anyone who reads this book and believes her "abilities" are genuine are completely delusional. No qualification at all - delusional. There should be a small tracking device in each of these books so a list of potentially delusional citizens can exist. That way when a baby is abandoned in a hotel room or some nutbag drowns her kids in a car, we'll have a cross reference. Attorneys can say, "well, the accused has a history or being a goddamn empty-headed delusional fuckwit as evidenced by her purchase of Sylvia Browne's laughable Christmas in Heaven book."

I'm all for less government control, but this list should exist.

When Browne makes claims like knowing what fucking Christmas in fucking Heaven is like, shouldn't we expect some sort of evidence? I mean, if I said, "My favorite season on Neptune is autumn - the hydrogen lakes are so pretty", you'd rightfully think I was a slice of avacado short of a California roll. So, why do these people buy Browne's bullshit? It's mind-boggling.

I'm going to go to Chapters and see if I can stomach to read a section or two of her book (but stop before I'm sucked through a shit-portal ending up in douche-Narnia). Then I'll comment more. I have to know how stupid she actually thinks people be continued.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

I Hope You Get My Sty, Bastards

So last week I started feeling a soreness in my left eyelid. You may ask yourself, what does a guy do when his eyelid is sore? I rubbed it all friggin' day, that's what I did. On Sunday, my wife and her friends and their kids went to the Royal Winter Fair here in Toronto where we saw a wide variety of farm animals and equipment. I patted cows, horses, goats, and even a yak named King. After each of these pattings, I rubbed my left eye vigorously.

By Sunday evening my eye had swollen up and was quite sore. My wife said that I had a sty, to which I replied, "I have no idea what that is." She said that she heard to rub gold on it. Being the skeptic I am, I doubted the efficacy of that particular "cure". To be fair, she also said that I should go see the doctor at the drop-in clinic which I did Monday morning. The doctor took a look and confirmed the sty diagnosis my wife stated (she's brilliant). He gave me a script for tobramycin drops, four times a day, two drops at a time. Medicine is great.

I looked up the rub-gold-on-it thing on the 'net and couldn't find anything even remotely resembling any sort of rational reasoning for doing that. Most were completely retarded, saying stuff like I should "make the sign of the cross with the ring and circle the eye three times, getting as close as I could without touching it", or "go to a crossroads and say 'sty sty, leave my eye, take the next person who happens by'". Basically taking my crappy condition and wishing it onto the next poor son of a fuck who wanders along. Nice. More than one said it should either be a man's wedding ring (supposedly because it's bigger) or a widow's (maybe because it's sorta fucking creepy). Proof or any explanation was sorely lacking.

I did come across a hilarious piece by a guy named Jason Mulgrew which you can read here that tears apart the whole "gold works" thing.

Additionally, I was informed that putting a tea bag on my eye would work, but when I looked that up there were a ton of "user forums" that made a bunch of claims like "the tannins in the tea have 'healing properties'" that weren't backed up by any sort of reliable medical sites. It may help only because they say to put the tea bag on your eye when it's warm so it'll act like a hot compress, which is what you're supposed to do several times per day.

Drink tea, put a hot compress on the sty. Leave the goddamn gold alone and go see a doctor, dumbasses. We're not in the Northern Sahara, we're in Canada.

By the way, it's Thursday and my eye is much better, thanks for asking. Go go tobramycin! (incidentally, this is a drug that attaches to bacterial ribosomes and fucks up the way its genetic material is read, thus preventing the spread - now isn't understanding something better than weirdy-ass "remedies" that could, in extreme cases, actually cause you harm? Yeah, I thought so)

Kryptonite for a Woo - The 47th Skeptic's Circle

Well well well...I guess they'll let anyone at all into the Justice League these days. You know the standards have dropped when they let my sorry ass into the ranks of Superhero, but someone did and you can read all about it over at the 47th Skeptic's Circle at Polite Company. Join us, if only because you know you look fabulous in a cape. Yes you do.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

"and he'll scrawl in blood, 'I've been a bad boy....'"

(edited because I wrote the initial post when I was half asleep)

"Anyone that far to the right is hiding a deep, dark secret. You know that right?" Bill Hicks

Ted, Ted, Ted.... You were accused of having sex with a Denver male prostitute while on meth, then you denied it all, then you admitted "some wrongdoing", then you admitted to buying - but not using - the meth and getting a "massage", but never gay sex. What a sordid affair.

When I saw Pastor Ted Haggard being interviewed by Richard Dawkins in his Religion: The Root of All Evil special, he came across as a complete douchebag. Pompus, arrogant, accusatory, and with all the airs of moral superiority that cums (excuse me, "comes") with extreme religiousityness...ess. I didn't like the guy.

When I went to his site and checked out what he believed, I really didn't like the guy. He believes that "In its original writing, the Bible is inspired, infallible and inerrant", and that folks like me will have this fate in store: "After living one life on earth, the unbelievers will be judged by God and sent to hell where they will be eternally tormented with the devil and the fallen angels." Nice. Thanks, Ted. How about you suck my...actually, just shut the fuck up.

And what does Ted think about homosexuality?

He seems to think everything we need to know about it is written in the bible. Hm. Well the bible says that:

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus - 20:13 and,

For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. Paul - 1:26-27 Supposedly this passage is about lesbians. Mmmm...lesbians.

So homosexuals should be put to death right alongside those nasty disobedient children (Deut. 21:18-21) and strangers who work on the Sabbath (Num. 15:32-36). Maybe Ted'll be the replacement for Jesse Helms in Bill Hicks' story, killing himself "in a washtub out back underneath a pecan tree." But I hope not.

See, if you're gay then you should just admit it and be gay. There's nothing wrong with being a guy dude (unless you take the bible as literal tru...shit...sorry). Taking meth, well that's potentiall harmful to you but there's nothing wrong with that as far as I can see. If you want to do it, fill your sparkly cowboy boot, friend. There's plenty to go around, I'm sure.

It's so ironic that you preach the gospel of Christ (or so you say) and you would likely describe Christians as "loving", "tolerant", "giving", and probably, "benevolent"; yet if you came out as gay or bi, that community would be FAR more accepting of you than your congregation would ever be. It never ceases to amaze me.

You haven't been charged with a crime and quite frankly I don't think the drug thing will stand up. You didn't molest a kid or run anyone over, the worst you've done is get high on meth and fuck a gay male prostitute. How many of us can say, honestly, that we've never done that?! Ok, bad example, but you should still hold your head up, or at least proudly bob it forward and back.

Now that you've stepped down as the head, of the NAE (National Association of Evangelicals) I'm sure there will be another "certain-of-the-fire-for-heathenous-non-believers" person to take the reins. Fabulous.

Ted, you're a douchebag Xtian dumbass, but personally I don't think you did anything wrong with respect to this incident. Go on and suck a dick while doing meth - it's your life. Just let us live ours.