The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

O.J. Simpson - You Fucking Did It

For a November sweeps stunt, FOX (who the hell else?) is running an interview with "Juice" so he can say how he would have killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman - if he did, which he didn't (sly wink).

O.J. seems to want to sell his stupid book of the same topic. "Why would he want to write and sell a book like that, Mike?" Glad you asked. He says he would like to regain, "in spades" as he put it, all the former glory he possessed. He'd like to return to acting (yeah, polish up that Oscar - you were great in Naked Gun 2 1/2, shitass) and sportscasting. I can see it now:

Chris: So, O.J., welcome back to broadcasting. Glad you picked today 'cause this game's gonna be great. Packers vs. Jets.

O.J.: Hell yes, Chris. Incidentally, when you pack a body on ice after you cut its head off, you should immediately jump on a jet to get the hell away! Ha!

Chris: Juice, that seems a tad insensitive. Also, what's that around your neck?

O.J.: Oh, I had a buddy of mine in SFX make a 1/2 real size latex severed head of Nicole that I now wear as a pendant, you know so the bitch is always close at hand.


I wouldn't be surprised if O.J. sent a signed copy of his book to Ron Goldman's dad, for fuck's sake. Classy.

It's been 10 years since Simpson walked away from the double murder charge and, frankly, I'm still Chris Angel Mindfucked (you know that was the original title of that show) over how he got away with it. Two dead bodies in his back yard, history of physical abuse, blood in your house and on your truck, his bloody footprint at the scene, he had both motive and opportunity, he ran from the police (in the most boring chase in recorded history)...fuck me, Miss Cleo could have predicted the trial's outcome.

And yet, money bought Johnny "Chewbacca Defense" Cochrane and a jury consisting of six sea sponges, two canteloupes, one perfectly cooked shrimp scampi, and three piles of hair that fell for every stupid-ass trick in the book and weren't able to understand what the lawyers were saying. They might as well have been speaking Sanskrit. I can just see the jury selection:

Cochrane - Ok, sir, do you know who O.J. Simpson is?

Jurer - Um...daaayiii...ain't he the motherfucker what sells them tv's out the backa his truck down on Sunset?

Cochrane - Your Honor, we'll take him.


Follow the money, friends. Chris Rock said it best: "If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't be O.J, he'd be 'Orenthal the Bus-Drivin' Murderer'."

If your company is thinking of sponsoring this cultural brown-bag-of-shit, please reconsider. Do you really want your product to be associated with a gloating douchebag ex-jock who happens to be the non-punchline to the worst kept in-joke of recent history? Unless your product is the FOX network itself, of course. Having O.J. on may actually raise their public image.

After his aquittal, we only ever saw O.J. on golf courses vowing, through eyes glazed over with thoughts of 19th hole ribs and blonde pussy, that he "wouldn't rest until the real killer" was brought to justice.

Damn man, where's an errant tee-shot when you need one?

1 Barbaric Yawps:

At 19/11/06 10:27 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even Bill O'Reilly couldn't stand this one, and his blast at his employers made the front page of yesterday's DALIY NEWS.

Prup (aka Jim Benton)

 

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