The War on Halloween
Here we are on October 31st and all's well in the...wait a minute. There's something not right. Oh man, Christians are trying to fuck up Halloween! You might say there's a "War on Halloween" being waged by overzealous wannabe religious do-gooders in the South.
Can't one fucking day be about something other than your stupid ass sky daddy? Do you have to inject every single goddamn festival with your ridiculous ideas and superstitions?
"'If they want supernatural, let's give them Godly supernatural', Mr. (Bruce) Watters says. 'We've got to spread Christianity one person at a time. This is an opportunity to reach younger people, and some parents along the way, on a very strange night.'"
No, assface, it's a time when people forget about their troubles for a couple of hours and get dressed up like a whore or sexy fireman. Kids go out and get free candy so they can eat WAY too much and make use of that dental plan you work so hard to earn. Stick your Christianity up your balloon knot, dipshit.
"For his part, Watters regards Halloween as 'a satanic celebration' that he tries to counter by displaying a cross and an angel statue on his porch. He also asks parents for permission to pray over their children"
Permission to pray over their children?! These people are assaulting the pagan nature of Halloween and are going against the teachings of the Founding Fathers. Don't they realize that this Nation (ok, that nation...I'm in Canada) was founded as a secular place that was not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion..." (U.S. Treaty with Tripoli, 1797)? Well those are the words of George Washington and John Adams, so stick that up your rosebud, Smelly. Founding Fathers, indeed.
Not to mention that like the nice Wiccan lady says Satan is a Christian idea so Halloween has nothing to do with the Flamy One. Dead people, sure, but not Lucifer. More of a John Edwards/James VanPraagh festival, really. It's fairly typical for a Christian to wrongly characterize the "problem" and then offer up "solution" that no one wants or needs. Thanks, shitface.
"'After we saw the evil side of this night, we decided we were going to bring light to it', Pam Malone says. The Malones now set up tables in their front yard, play recorded Christian music, and hand out doughnuts along with collections of scripture verses to trick-or-treaters."
Wow, if ever there were a way to alienate yourselves as dicks, this is it. That is undoubtedly the WORST Halloween treat ever - scripture verses. Handed out with lame ass church music played in the background. Fuck me.
And what, pray tell (pun intended) is the "evil side" of a night where little girls dress up like princesses and little boys dress up like Superman? Why is it bad to be scared for a night? ONE NIGHT A YEAR? Life isn't supposed to be all gumdrops and rainbows (actually, in a Christian world, there'd be no rainbows because they represent those nasty homersexuals). There's supposed to be some scariness and uncertainty.
So let's recap quickly. There's a War on Halloween that must be stopped. In a Christian world, all holidays, festivals, and parties MUST have Jesus mentioned at least once every three minutes and there MUST be boring-ass music played that also mentiones Jesus every song at least five times. There will be no gays, certainly no atheists, and no religious beliefs that are not involved with the tonguing of Jesus' transubstantiated ballsack. We will all be the same. You will be assimilated.
Fuck, that's the scariest Halloween costume ever. If only it were a costume....