The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A Conversation with Sylvia Browne

BigHeathenMike - Hi Sylvia, how's it going?

Sylvia Browne - Pretty good. (lights cigarette)

BHM - Great. Hey, I had a question.

SB - It's three hundred for one question or seven hundred for twenty minutes. And you have to call me.

BHM - But it's a quick one that really won't take any time.

SB - (coughs) I really don't like exceptions.

BHM - I'll just ask: Do you know what "fraudulent" means?

SB - (pause) Of course I know what that means.

BHM - Great. What does it mean?

SB - I don't have to prove anything to you.

BHM - I'm not asking you to prove anything, I asked you what a word meant. You said you knew the meaning, so please, if you would, tell me.

SB - (taps cigarette with fingernail) No, you're not a Godly man.

BHM - What does that have to do with anything?

SB - I would prefer not to deal with you.

BHM - Look, I'm not asking you to "deal with" me. You said yourself that you know what the word "fraudulent" means. Why won't you tell me? I want to make sure we're both working with the same definition here.

SB - Well, it's a broad concept. I'm getting an "f" or name like "Fred". Does that mean anything to you?

BHM - (pause and blank look)

SB - Take your time. Do you have your family history chart with you?

BHM - Wow. Look, seriously, I'll give you five dollars if you'll just define the word for me.

SB - I don't need your money.

BHM - I didn't say you needed my...

SB - You don't have any money anyway. Your money isn't real.

BHM - My money isn't "real"?

SB - You know I help people all the time! I've defined many many words in my lifetime and you can't take that away from me or the people I've helped!

BHM - Holy cow, try the decaf, will you. Look, regardless of how many words you say you've defined in the past, all I'm asking...

SB - The letters in "fraudulent" can be re-arranged to say, "nut red fad lu". Does that mean anything to you?

BHM - (long pause) No.

SB - You have three angels. One is named Oscar.

BHM - ....Ok.... Look, clearly this is going nowhere so I think I'm done here. Have a nice day, Ms. Browne. (walks away)

SB - Someone named Scott is saying "hi". He died in a fire. (starting to yell) He says you were friends!

Ms. Browne subsequently claimed in the newspapers and on the Montel Williams Show that she defined "fraudulent" and that she also gave ample proof of her vast and accurate psychic powers, but that I was too "skeptical and closed-minded" to accept what was "presented right in front of me".

3 Barbaric Yawps:

At 31/1/07 5:13 pm, Blogger salomedesade said...

You are fucking hilarious Mike. I needed that today.

At 31/1/07 7:24 pm, Blogger BigHeathenMike said...

Anytime, friend!

At 5/2/07 5:04 pm, Blogger Swintah said...

That was sublime. Thanks for the grin.


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