The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Top Shelf Woo

Being a massage therapist means I have to keep current on developments in medicine (at least those that pertain to what I might see in a physio clinic) and anatomy. We must, over each three-year period, get 30 continuing education units (CEUs) and toward this end I often receive brochures and advertisements for courses I could take to get points that count as part of my requirements.

I recently got in the mail a brochure about the Canadian Oriental Medical Symposium 2007 in B.C., Canada. Needless to say, that's pretty far away so I shan't be attending, but the descriptions of some of the courses left me literally laughing out loud at the stunning depth of The Woo. So, without further ado, here's the description of "Esoteric Acupuncture", part one:
Esoteric Acupuncture is designed as an alternative methodology for working on imbalances of the Age of Aquarius. We cannot expect theories that were developed in a bygone era, the Age of Pisces, to adequately handle all the intricacies of newer problems and imbalances that are created in the Age of Aquarius. As the complexities of a system changes, we must use different thinking to work on the more complex system.

The main difference between Esoteric Acupuncture and the various traditional types of acupuncture theories that were developed in Asia, is that Esoteric Acupuncture encompasses a much broader spectrum of healing and emphasizes the Wellness Stage versus the disease stages of the older systems. We are puncturing the physical temple to activate an esoteric aspect.

The focus of Esoteric Acupuncture is to awaken a higher level of consciousness, which is the real journey of healing our hearts. This one hour lecture will give an overview to the theoretical and clinical aspects of Esoteric Acupuncture.

Ok, I don't even know what the fuck the "Age of Pisces" or "Age of Aquarius" has to do with someone, say, recovering from a stroke or trying to quit smoking, but this blurb leads me to believe that I have apparently been misinformed about the passage of arbitrarily defined eras of mythological ideas' effects on personal health conditions. Can someone help me out here?

How about, "We are puncturing the physical temple to activate an esoteric aspect". Wow. I'm assuming here that "temple" is "body", but how the fuggidy fuck do you "activate" an "aspect"? Maybe I'm just a dunderheaded ignorant skeptical massage therapist, but I need more info. Throw me a frickin' bone here.

Oh, and if your patient is recovering from a stroke, they probably don't need to "heal" their "hearts" - their brains probably need more help. The above, however, was simple child's play compared to Esoteric Acupuncture, part 2:
Since we are inserting acupuncture needles into the physical body, Esoteric Acupuncture also treats the Wei Qi and Ying Qi levels of the physical body strengthening the immune system. But, the focus of Esoteric Acupuncture is to raise consciousness so that we may view our imbalances from a higher level of awareness. Esoteric Acupuncture is the first work to combine traditional Chinese acupuncture and Five Element theory with Sacred Geometry, the Hindu nadi and chakra systems, Hindu yantras, visual meditation, Dinshah’s color therapy, the theories of Field, Quantum and Superstring physics, astrophysics, Pythagorean numbers, esoteric Tibetan philosophy through Djwhal Khul’s works, and the Qabbalistic Tree of Life (Kabbala) into one workable system for the Age of Aquarius.

Esoteric Acupuncture is designed for those who are more in tune with the pulse of the New Humanity. Esoteric Acupuncture is geared for both acupuncturists and non-acupuncturists who are interested in unraveling the various levels of the Heart Chakra to be able to move into the realms of the higher head centers. You must know your heart to know who you are

When I don’t know Who I Am, I follow You.

When I know Who I Am, You and I are One.

Holy crap. I think my eyes just formed fists and punched my brain for making me read that barely decipherable horseshit. Seriously, what the fuck does, "designed for those who are more in tune with the pulse of the New Humanity" mean? No one told me there was a "new humanity"? And capitalized, nonetheless! It's New! Get on board, dipshit, the train's leaving!

I wonder; Are they trying to appeal to those who are very insecure in reality and thus they create a false "future" to be more "on the pulse" of? Just a thought.

See, this is what happens when base assertions are not investigated and sorted out right away. When said base assertions are actually delusions, they just persist and live on and get built upon into a giant, teetering house of cards where the foundations are soaking wet, unstable, and falling down, yet the ideas just get more and more ludricrous.

I love the, "geared for both acupuncturists and non-acupuncturists" part, which makes sure to cover anyone who might be interested in fluffy weirdness but may not be inclined to study even the basic anatomy that a first-aid instructor would have to do.

And who knew that the "Heart Chakra" had different levels? I guess your body is just like the pagoda in Game of Death where you have to fight through the Korean Master and Dan Inosanto levels before getting to battle Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the "higher head centers". I might enjoy at least reading about this bullshit if they put it like that.

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make an Esoteric Coffee. It's the first beverage to combine Five Spice Theory with Qi Gong, porcelain reflexology, tupperware inert machismo, quantum lint trap, purple browns, the Zero Landscape within prime number matrices, energy valence hopping, the Flux Capacitor Enigma, and simple white sugar.

7 Barbaric Yawps:

At 15/1/07 11:30 am, Blogger vjack said...

That is what happens when enough of an anti-science bias builds. Not only can believing in superstitious nonsense make one stupid - it can be bad for one's health.

At 15/1/07 1:55 pm, Blogger King Aardvark said...

Holy flying turd monkeys! They actually give continuing education credits for that crap?

I should try similar woo for civil engineering. Forget stress and strain - our goal now is to balance a building's Qi and gain consciousness of its higher awareness... or some other bullshit like that. Seriously, I can't even come up with the type of nonsense they've written there; my brain refuses to do it.

At 16/1/07 4:03 am, Blogger EoR said...

"Esoteric Acupuncture is designed for those who are more in tune with the pulse of the New Humanity."

Means: let's make money doing nothing at all aka prestidigitation aka acupuncture.

At 16/1/07 3:22 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice rant! Obviously your chakras were in alignment when you wrote that one.

At 17/1/07 9:56 pm, Anonymous Melissa said...

Quickest way to achieving Higher Consciousness: nut punch.

Now all I need is a slick brochure.

At 14/3/07 1:08 am, Anonymous Debra Arko said...

One of the leading authorities in Vedic or Egyptian Acupuncture is Debra Arko. She trained with a Hindu swami since she was in her teens and has over 30 years in natural health care including holding a degree in Chinese Medicine and Homeopathy. Her company Accent On Health, LLC is based in Littleton Colorado where she still practices alternative health care.

At 28/8/07 5:34 am, Anonymous Acupuncture Info said...

I want to believe, but when you read the descriptions, I can't help but want to start backhanding the people who wrote it. What a load of crap. I want to know how it can help me physically, not be insulted by retards.


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