The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Meridian Massage = Crazy Insane, Got No Brain

As many of you know, I'm a massage therapist. As many of you may also know, massage is a field absolutely rife with flakes and nutbags. Now, I practice in Ontario, Canada and as such, I am a member of the College of Massage Therapists of Ontario (CMTO) which all people calling themselves Registered Massage Therapists (RMT) must be. We all have to do what are called Continuing Education Units (CEUs) for the purpose of skill upkeep and for the betterment of our profession.

From time to time I get mail in the form of courses offered at the schools around town that we can take to get our required CEUs. These courses range from very useful to absolutely retarded and worse-than-useless. Recently I got a flyer that certainly belonged to the latter category. It was offering a course in something called "Meridian Massage".

This is a 20 day course consisting of four 5-day sessions that are all approved by the CMTO to give participants 60 CEUs (we're required to get 30 every three years). The course costs from $650 - $750 depending on how early you register and as a teaser of what you'll learn, the flyer advertises that you will:
Learn a therapy that allows you to have immediate control of the effectiveness of the treatment

Learn a treatment that does not only treat the whole body but also the spirit and soul

Learn a treatment that very gently removes blockages inside the sacro iliac joint and all other joints.
Now, I know what you're thinking - "Mike, you enjoy treating people's souls! When are you signing up? This sounds like just the course for you." Well, you'd be wrong. I think if I signed up for this horseshit, I'd end up in jail.

I want to stress that this is advertised as being approved by the CMTO, my College, my governing body. If you go to the link above and click on the "course description" button, you'll see a wide variety of amazingly retarded things such as:
* Gentle removal of joint blockages using the ear-reflex-zone-control
* Scar disturbance removal through the aura
* Aura treatment with methods by the Elfins (Dusty Miller XIV.)
* Point treatment options with methods of the Elfins (Dusty Miller XIV.)
In case you're wondering who "Dusty Miller XIV" is, why not go to his blog where you'll read about his special talent for talking to trees. Yeah, you read that correctly. See, he's an Elfin person and he trained under his father to talk to - and get answers from - trees, as he explains in his series of posts entitled The Truth About Trees. Here's a bit of an exerpt from those posts:
It was back in the forties, when I first started talking to the many ancient trees that my family worked with.

Although I spoke in human words, using my LeftBrain; they answered me in a RightBrain manner, with inner feelings and motions, sounds and impressions, subtle sensations and inner visions.

My RightBrain had no problem with this, but there were times when my LeftBrain had great difficulty translating the pictures and sensations into words of explanation to others...

At first, all my conversations with the ancient trees...were only what you could describe as ‘ small talk’ or ‘ polite conversation’, as after all, I was only a small boy.

After a few years of this, my father felt that I was growing up quick and introduced me to the sophisticated picture language that our tree friends use for ‘ serious instruction’.

This involved the deliberate use of my RightBrain, to mentally project and receive, moving visual images, as an internal teaching aid...

As an Hereditary Witch I’d come of age.

So we had a family party to celebrate, and I grew my moustache.
It looked a bit stupid on a thirteen year old, but I liked it.
And this bit just about made me fall over laughing and making dolphin noises as I tried to get enough air to continue my hysterical fits of convulsive amusement:
One of the first things I discovered by talking to our tree friends was that, unlike us, they are Group Entities with what appears to be a host of separate bodies...

If you touch any one of these trees, all the trees in the group will feel your hand, as they are all one and the same entity.

If, for example, a small boy were to kick a tree as he enters a wood, all the trees in the group would feel the blow and shout "Ouch!" and all the other trees, for about ten miles in any direction, would be saying to it’s neighbour, "Watch that boy, he kicks trees!"
The word can get around, causing consternation, faster that a wasp at a picnic.
So be careful what you do...
Oh man, that's rich.

After I regained my composure, I just got more and more angry. These two jackasses (Dusty and Karin Leffer, the other chick teaching this "meridian massage" course who has "trained" in just about every fucked up, nonsensical thing you can imagine including "Shamanism" and something called "Family Constellation Therapy" - I love the "holographic understanding" bit in the third paragraph) are as flaky as they come with all their blather about "energy" and "ley lines" and "vibrations", and they're going to be instructing a course worth six years of CEUs to Ontario massage therapists. It is seriously no wonder that doctors roll their eyes when I tell them I'm a massage therapist. Fuck, I roll my eyes when I think it!

Shame on the College of Massage Therapists of Ontario for endorsing this nonsense. At best it is ridiculous quackpottery masquerading as "therapy", and at worst it will keep some innocently ignorant patient from getting the actual help they need in favor of ineffective stupid shit taught by self-deluded hippies.

5 Barbaric Yawps:

At 31/3/08 12:22 am, Blogger Tyrion said...

Is there a new podcast coming soon? I rather enjoy them.

 
At 31/3/08 9:09 am, Blogger BigHeathenMike said...

There certainly is - sorry for the wait. Life getting in the way of my hobbies again. :)

 
At 31/3/08 11:38 am, Blogger Tyrion said...

Good. You may want to fix the RSS feed on your Heathenous Words page. It just loads up a single entry that basically welcomes you to Feedburner. It'd make it easier for people to subscribe to your podcast with their podcast aggregators.

 
At 31/3/08 2:21 pm, Blogger Maakuz said...

AHHAAHA! "hello mr. or ms. tree! How are you doing today?"

Sceptic blogs really are the quick way to best comedy on the internet.
Some of these people actually seem to believe in their shit, which is kinda sad.

I see an oak from my window. His name is Bob. He has...

end of message, can´t stop laughing

 
At 1/4/08 3:59 pm, Blogger King Aardvark said...

Holy shit, this post is jam-packed with all kinds of stupid. Wow, how do you manage to keep aloft in a world of such quackery? Are you sure that this course isn't an april fool's joke?

Maybe the college is trying to weed out members by pretending to host this course, and all those who show up will be stripped of their credentials.

If not, maybe it's time you went to the top and fought for scientific rigour in your profession.

BigHeathenMike: Revolutionizing the world of massage therapy!

 

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