The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Obese Criminal Now Only Fat - Wants Obesity, Freedom Back

Are you fucking kidding me?

So this giant fat fuck named Broderick Lloyd Laswell (what would you like to wager he has some catchy "street" nickname like "McNugget" or the ever-imaginative handle for a fat man, "Tiny"?) and another chicken-shit piece of crap beat a guy to death and stab him, then set his house on fire. Of course he gets caught and goes to jail, because...well, because he weighed 413 pounds. This guy couldn't run from the police; he probably gets winded just thinking about lifting his double baconater to his pudgy face.

So Laswell is in prison and over the last eight months he's lost about a hundred pounds. You'd think he'd be happy and that now he'd think of sprinting away from the five-o, hurdling fences and what-not. You would, however, be very very wrong because he's suing the county, accusing them of starving him. Yeah, you read that correctly. Check out this pathetic excuse:
On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out...About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again.
Ok, a little clarification is necessary here. When, in the quote above, Laswell says he "...started to do some exercising...", what he was actually doing was trying to get out of bed. He also classifies taking a shit, brushing his hair, shuffling from the bed to the toilet, and standing motionless while thinking about barbeque as "exercise". Also, when after an hour without eating his "stomach starts to hurt and growl", it should be mentioned that under his "normal" schedule when on the street, he would routinely eat stray dogs, sheep, cows, and perhaps the occasional hobo. All barbequed on a spit and flavored with delicious cajun spices.

Ok, here's the last bit that pertains to his...err, "case":
If we are in a small pod all day (and) do next to nothing for physical exercise, we should not lose weight...The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally being starved to death.
It should be obvious now that I have precious little sympathy for this gigantic fat fuck. Three-hundred twenty pounds is still morbidly obese and for him to complain that his treatment - getting 2000-3000 calories/day - is "literally being starved to death", I think he should get a new punishment.

He should be airdropped into the middle of Sudan.

Just a parachute, his VonDutch sweatpants, jail sandals and a metal tablespoon is all he gets. Oh, and a world map to help him find his way home (Ahhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! A fat street criminal from the U.S. finding his way home from a country he couldn't point out on a map if I offered him 20 million dollars! That's hysterical!). That's the new punishment - then that lardy doucheface will truly find out the definition of "literally starving".

Fucking ass.

2 Barbaric Yawps:

At 30/4/08 1:34 pm, Blogger Maakuz said...

This is so cool- I was shocked at first that you were a racist, or hated fat people...I got it, I think!

Africans have a bit harder time than americans, and we westerns complaining about it is just stupid. We have food! We have luxury!

Mike, I think you got it JUST right, albeit difficulty. People, remember we are not alone! We ALL need food :/ Not just obiese criminals...

At 15/5/08 12:06 am, Blogger Asylum Seeker said...

I was about to get defensive about you criticizing the fat people (since I am among them :), but, seeing as how this guy is a violent punk in addition to being morbidly obese, and trying to sue the jail for not feeding him more than three square meals, I'd say he deserves all the mocking he can get. Although, I do find it interesting that this guy gets hungry at such an extraordinary rate...I think that they be indicative of the underlying problems that cause obesity (aside from just being able to stuff one's fat face at a whim).

Anywho, good handling of a really bizarre story. Man I hate how litigious this society has become (and how entitled prisoners feel in our's ridiculous!).


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