The Lower Quote, As If You Didn't Know, Is By Richard Dawkins, Son.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I Came to a Tuning Fork in the Road...

...and I took the road less traveled.

Man, I was going to do this great post on Traditional Chinese Medicine, but then Yau Man Chan over at SkepticBlog did a damn two-part thing that was better than anything I could spew forth in my vile little foul-mouthed, chuckle-headed way.

But now I'm thinking that you, my adoring six readers, tune in (that's a joke you'll get in about ten seconds when you get to the next paragraph) to hear my sillyass, profanity-laced rants and Yau Man, as cool as he is, just can't match me in the "motherfucker" department. So there. We shall begin....

The clinic I work at got a brochure from a company called Eastern Currents, which sells and promotes stupid bullshit like Acutonics. Do me a favor and just pop over to that link and look at the picture.

Back? Ok, so that was a chick with a couple of tuning forks on her sternum. Why does she have tuning forks on her sternum, Mike? Well, that's a good question. I assume it's the musical equivalent of putting a book under your pillow the night before an exam, hoping against all hope that the knowledge just seeps through your porous fucking skull, allowing you to stave off expulsion and familial shame for another week. She's probably trying to be Quincy Jones and wants the quick way to her production fortune, but she's the not-so-proud possessor of the musical talent of a drunken William Hung.

So get yourself to the link on the left where it says "Acutonics". Get a load of the world-class bullshit that's being slung in this very professional looking journal:
These tuning forks represent a natural harmonic series based on the orbital properties of the Earth, Moon, Sun and planets. Their rich resonance and vibration connects with and supports the body's natural frequencies. It brings us into alignment with the cycles of the Cosmos known since antiquity as the Music of the Spheres.
Wow. That sort of mumbo-jumbo would make the Dalai Lama slice his drive. Big hitter, the Lama.

Not on their fancy website, but in their catalog is a more in-depth explanation of many tuning fork sets. If I may, please let me tell you about the "Sedna Set":
Named after an Inuit sea goddess, nothing about Sedna is usual. She expands and challenges our ideas and assumptions about the nature of the cosmos we live in. She represents non-duality, superconductivity, and super-creativity. Sedna provides us with access into the deep layers of the personal and collective unconscious, and universal intelligences.

The Middle Sedna Fork is specially manufactured to accept an Acutonics Blue Topaz Gem Tip.
Did that tell you anything about how many of these useless forks you get or what they supposedly do? Nope. Because, really, when you're dropping $285.95 on fucking tuning forks (plus an extra $169.95 for the Blue Topaz Gem Tip - used to induce relaxation, decrease tension, aid digestion, fortify nerves, and enhance the creative process - whatever the fuck that means), why do you need to ask so many questions, Poindexter? Just hit the fork on the special pad (extra money, of course) and let the noise fill your Dick-Chakra with loving Chub-Energy*

So we're all clear that these people are delusional whack-jobs, allow me to reproduce completely without any permission of any kind, the paragraph from the catalog that explains what Acutonics is trying to do:
The Acutonics Healing System is an integrated system of healing and education that is rooted in the wisdom traditions of Oriental Medicine. This energy-based, non-invasive system applies precision calibrated tuning forks directly to specific acupuncture and acupressure points to access the body's Meridian and Chakra energy.
Got that? Great. I have just one request: Please, someone, anyone, show me actual concrete proof that any "acupuncture/acupressure points" exist and have a predictable, reliable physiological or anatomical effect on people. That's it. Anyone? Didn't think so. So my advice to anybody hawking this stupid horse-shit is to keep selling to dumbasses and those who are, through no fault of their own, ignorant of how their bodies work, because if I hear you spouting this pointless, mindless, mental-wind-chime, piffle, you're going to get a fucking earful of bad-word-laden smack down that no little Vaccaria plant seed will keep out.

More to come when I get some sleep.

* If Chub-Energy lasts for longer than four hours, please consult your homeopathic or naturopathic doctor for a slow, passionate, expensive handjob.

*Update: Orac descends like a hawk on the mouse of tuning fork "medicine" in one of his patented Friday Dose of Woo posts.

3 Barbaric Yawps:

At 2/5/12 1:34 am, Anonymous CK said...

Penn and Teller did a couple good episodes about this crap on "Bullshit". "New Age Medicine" of Season 6 shows a bunch of these whackos and puts people through a bullshit new age medicine experiment to show the gullibility of people that believe in this shit.
Their ep. in the opening season on "Alternative Medicine" is a good one too.
Not sure if you watch/have watched the show, Bullshit, but I think it would be right up your alley.

At 2/5/12 8:01 am, Blogger Heathen Mike said...

Hey CK,
Yeah, I love Bullshit and have the first five seasons on DVD. The episode from season one is great - especially the "snail facial" and the "magnet coat". Good stuff. Thanks for reading!

At 15/12/17 10:30 am, Anonymous Robert said...

This is a bad ass blog! You've got 7 readers... Not 6.


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