BodyTalk? More Like Stupid Mind Magic

I have gotten several emails about this (apparently) new form of bodywork. The creator is trying to drum up business and as such, is spamming massage therapists with her ideas. I'm going to show you what she sent me and we'll talk a quick walk-through of her claims.

Are You Getting The Most Out Of Your Treatment Sessions? Have You Thought of Working Smarter Not Harder?

This is a common first line to grab the attention of bodyworkers because we have a physical profession with lots of dropoffs due to tendonitis in the thumb/wrist, etc... and lots of minor nagging injuries because of postural irregularities while we massage. If you can "work smarter", then your career might last longer - usually, however, working "smarter" entails working with woo.

The next section of her email starts with, "Did You Know That...", which is almost always followed by some claims of such extravagance that you'd think jewels would fall out of your anus. Here are some of her "Did you knows":

The key element to maintaining health in the body is the re-establishment of communication between all systems and parts of the body

Um, last I checked, your body is in constant communication with all of its parts. If it's not, you have serious problems. This little factoid of hers makes no sense.

The body has the ability to synchronize its activities, heal, and adapt to the stresses of life. Unless it is on overwhelm

Obviously the body has the ability to heal and adapt. We'd have a pretty short and shitty life if it couldn't adapt and heal non-fatal injuries. I don't know what the hell she means when she suggests that your body can be, "on overwhelm". Maybe that's just when you hang out at Chucky Cheese on a weekend afternoon.

The most important consideration in the healing process is the sequence in which the body heals its systems

Well, sure. I mean, if the inflammation sequence isn't performed in the right order, it won't work. What she seems to be implying here is that we have some conscious control over this sequence, which is silly. Some of my critics may see it fit to ask me why it is silly, but I would suggest some reading on the topic (from a reputable scientific source) and then come back.

One of the main factors that slows down the healing process is the superimpostion of the bias and agenda of the practitioner.

Ok, this one is pure bullshit. She is saying that I have spooky powers to keep people from getting better because I can use massage-magic to interrupt my clients' bodily processes. Stupid nonsense.

She then asks, "What if you knew of an integrative healthcare system that could tell you what is wrong with the body, what needs to be treated, and in what order?" Oh whatever could that system be? Who is the genius who came up with this amazing way of treating poor clients who know not of mind-magic?

Well the system is called "BodyTalk" and the lady is offering a four-day "BodyTalk fundamentals" course that covers these topics:

•BodyTalk theory and exploration tools
•Essential General Balance Techniques including Balancing the Brain, addressing the Stress Threshold, Hydration levels, Releasing Scars and Adhesions, Interference
•Balancing Communication within the Organs, Endocrines and Body Parts
•Supporting the Immune System (microbes, allergies, toxins and intolerances)
•Addressing stored active memories, Belief Systems and Fears/Phobias
•Introduction to Energy Anatomy and Balancing of the Chakras and Meridians
•Balancing Environmental Factors that affect the BodyMind Complex
•Genetic Repair at the Cellular Level
•A Simple but powerful technique to stimulate the Lymphatic System
•Circulation of Blood, Nerve and Lymph
•Structural Balance and Integrity

The emphasis there is mine. I had to highlight those parts because they're so dumb that I wanted to make sure they stood out - more than the dumbness already makes them. Oh, and here's another red-flag when dealing with quack nonsense:

The BodyTalk system can be learned easily by individuals with or without a background in healthcare.

Yeah, who needs any background in healthcare when you can use magic! What do you need books and science for when you can just intuit what to do and change things (like the brain or endocrine function) that are really hard to quantify?

It's the "Make Shit Up" school of healthcare!

The lady (Tracey) says that you can, "Learn to go beyond technique alone and to think outside the box with an open mind." Yes, exhibit A is your brain on the sidewalk, all opened.

I love this one. She says:

Regular use of objective measurement before and after BodyTalk sessions (as taught in the BodyTalk Orthopedic Evaluation class) demonstrates the effectiveness of the Module 1 & 2 techniques in releasing physical, energetic, emotional, environmental, and consciousness issues held in the BodyMind.

Riiiight. She teaches you the technique, she teaches you the method to measure its efficacy, then you know it works. For some reason, the phrase "closed loop" is coming to mind.

Finally, check out how she signs her name at the end of her email: Tracey Worrall AdvCBP, ParBP, CBI, BAT, BA

Man, that's a lot of letters after her name. What do they all mean? Well, the first one is "Advanced Certified BodyTalk Practitioner"; the second is "Parama BodyTalk Practitioner", whatever the hell that is; CBI stands for "Certified BodyTalk Instructor"; BAT is "BodyTalk Access Trainer; and finally BA is the commonly know Bachelor of Arts. So out of five qualifications, she made up four of them. That's not a good average.

Hell, I could put BMF, UCG, SoW, SHD(TK) and FC after my name, but "Bad MotherFucker", "Universally Cool Guy", "Stimulator of Women", "Stay at Home Dad (Two Kids)", and "Former Cheerleader" don't really hold much weight in the employment world. Actually, come to think of it, they hold as much weight as what Tracey Worrall puts after her name. Maybe I'll try that out on my new letterhead....